The night is yours alone

Do you ever have those moments of realization?

When it FINALLY occurs to you that you are never going to have certain things? 

It's a feeling like drowning. 

And I'm not talking about love and marriage, in case you were wondering. 

The more marriage counseling I do, the less interested I am. 

I am more talking about my family relationships. 

I realized this week that I am an 'over empathizer'.

When I think of each member of my family, my heart breaks for the struggles they've been through, for the good and kind people they are, and for how hard they are trying. 

I hate to see them in pain or sad or not having the things they want or need. If I can help them have those things, I will. 

And I think I have been expecting that from them. 

Even though I know it's not healthy. 

And I just realized I'm never going to get it. 

My family (with one exception) is more of the under empathizing type. 

Kind of the "I'm not going to help you because helping you only makes you weaker. True love is helping a person be as strong as they can be because life is tough". 

They will point out your flaws, your errors, your mistakes, your weaknesses and make you feel like there is nothing good or helpful about you at all. 

Which, if you are also an under empathizer, is great. It fuels you to be stronger and better. 

But, for me, it always feels like an attack and I wonder what I did to make this person be so harsh. 

I just now realized that this was their way of showing love. 

Only it still really, really hurts. 

Because it's not my way. 

I don't know why Heavenly Father made me this way. 

I wish I could be tougher and not be so knocked down so easily. 

I wish I didn't over empathize. 

It's probably what led me to becoming a therapist. 

It's probably been the motivation for a lot of things in my life. 

And it never ends well for me. 

Because you can't ask people to over empathize with you. 

I know this post is kind of emo, but I wanted to put this out there, so that I remember this realization on days when I feel alone and attacked and lost. 

Lori Ann

p.s.- I am making my blog private again. It's probably the right move for me professionally and for other reasons :) 

You'll know it when

I am committing, in front of my cat Sugar and all of you, to make this my very last fall post. 

But, oh my gosh, I am glad this will the final fall picture I post. 

Because it's the BEST ONE EVER. 

And it REALLY looks like that. 

The orange trees turn the air a different color and I drove home right at sunset and, at the risk of sounding totally insane, it almost brought tears to my eyes how beautiful is it. 

Fall is dying but it's such a beautiful last week. 

It's so easy for me to know there is a God in the fall.

 I see His work in everything.

 I feel His love everywhere. 

Now, just to survive winter, spring, and,,,,*sigh*,,,summer....I HATE summer!

Lori Ann

Every Sunday's getting more bleak

Today, I went to the city with the sister missionaries. 

It is always nice to see the city that I love- Philadelphia- through the eyes of someone who did not grow up out east. 

It was especially fun to take Sister Aguilar as she goes home in 3 weeks. 

She is an amazing natural poser. I never have to give her any directions :) 

Sister Barlow dreads the camera but is a good sport! 

Apparently Philly really loves you and wants you to know it! 

Independence Hall. One of my favorite places.

I hope you are enjoying these last few days of fall (well, leafy fall...or maybe spring, Sarah!)

Lori Ann

I can't help falling

This blog doesn't like to let me upload videos.

Probably because it's just as burnt out with my fall pictures as I am sure everyone else is :)

But I have found a way to defeat it! Good old photobucket.

I give you...

Fall 2015.

(I narrowed it down from about 3000 photos to 60. You got so lucky...this could have been a long longer and even more painful!  

Lori Ann

I still believe

I went out with the sister missionaries today. 

And we found this little grove of beautiful trees and took pictures.

(and by "found" I mean I took a sharp right turn onto this weird path, clearly labeled "keep out" and told the sisters as we pulled up to the trees "Let's do this fast! We are all too pretty for prison!")

 Sister Aguilar goes home in exactly one month. 

Sister Barlow has a little over 6 months left. 

I will be here until the end of time. 

In the fall that doesn't seem like such a horrible thing 

Tonight I might make a montage of all my favorite fall pictures and add some music. 

So there is that to look forward to.  :) 

Lori Ann

Love a higher law

I honestly feel like this is exactly what the path back to God will look like for me. 

This is almost exactly my definition of Heaven. 

I literally gasp out loud (which, if you know me, you know I don't like a lot of noise) but some of the scenery, just on little back roads to work, is SO BEAUTIFUL that I can't believe its even real. 

Lori Ann 

I come back to the place you are

Jack-Jack 

It's exactly 12 days late but I haven't forgotten your birthday tribute. 

I love this picture of you. 

Because you've had the same smile your whole life.

A sweet, kind smile. 

You have such a good heart. 

Sometimes I still can't believe we were lucky enough to get you in our family. 

You brought so much sunshine and love to our family that we didn't even know was missing. 

I didn't really know what love was until I met you. 

I love you for so many reasons 

You are so funny, you already cook WAY better than me, you are an artist and you are fair and brave. 

Kind of like a Huffledor or a Gryfinpuff. 

Now stop growing please!!!  

Love always, 

Aunt Lori