On a red eye midnight flight

I know I post a lot of tribute posts. 

But I don't ever want to die have something unsaid. 

And I have been blessed to always have amazing people in my life. 

My two favorite have always been and always will be my sisters. 

I was listening to "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks as I was cleaning tonight 

(my "cleaning mix" has a lot of angry feminist music!) 

Anyway, this song always reminds me of my sisters. 

My favorite lines are:

 "Right way Mary Ann flew in from Atlanta on a red eye midnight flight

She held Wanda's hand and they worked out a plan and it didn't take them long to decide

That Earl had to die" 

When I was in the hospital last month

and they didn't know if I would make it

 my mom called my sisters.

Danielle got to the hospital in 15 minutes and Erin bought a plane ticket that night and was there the next day. 

I wouldn't trade my big sisters for anything in the world. 

I thank my Heavenly Father every day for them and know He put them in my family and my life for a reason. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that...and leave you with some awesome Hinsdale kid pics...we were kind of a big deal in the 80's :) 

Erin's high school graduation. I don't know why I am making that face.
 Probably because I still had another year of high school in Jersey. 

Before I lost my blond hair. And I was already glaring/smirking at Jr :) 

Danielle and Erin spent every summer for years trying to teach me how to do a cartwheel.
It was a lost cause. I'm hopelessly lacking in grace. 

We had some seriously epic poses. And see those bars in the background?
We used to spin on them and I fell off so many times. What was I thinking??

(Ignore my fingers..a lot of these are pictures of pictures)
ANYWAY- probably Easter about 30 years ago :) 

My mother was always perming my hair. But I like my dress in this one.
Erin looks disgruntled. Probably realizing I was the 'stylish sister'. :)

Lori Ann

younger sister of

Danielle Christian

and

Erin Leigh

And all we used to be

So... I have thought of so many other significant moments.

Like the time I locked myself in an outhouse for 6 hours...

 and the time I broke my leg at 3:30 in the morning in Idaho.....

and the day I pledged to get a taser....so many magical memories :) 

I loved fall pictures even as a child :) 

But seriously...I wanted to add a few more bonus memories that were really significant to me but didn't make the cut! 

Let's do this dance!

1. When I was 24 I was back in college in Idaho and working two jobs. I was taking about a billion credits and trying not to kill my narcoleptic, boy crazy roommate. I had an interview with my bishop to get my temple recommend renewed (I need a Mormon culture decoder on this blog). I raced from work to the interview, which was fine but just before I was about to leave, the Bishop told me that I needed to be wearing my church clothes next time I came in for an interview. I was so embarrassed. I wasn't in dirty clothes but I had the jeans and tee shirt I wore to my caregiver job on and hadn't had time or even thought to change. Something about what he said and the way he said it really struck me. I remember walking around my complex later that day and standing by a tree, pulling leaves off and watching them fall to the ground (I was so dramatic, I swear) In that moment I realized I would never fit in with my religious culture and I would likely never marry. I made a decision in that moment to be ok with it. 

Me and maybe that crazy roommate with our favorite resident June! :) 

2. I was 16 and I was babysitting one night and I had put the kids to bed and finished eating almost an entire tray of tator tots and like 3 hot dogs by myself. I was so disgusted by how much I had eaten that I made myself throw up. Which was a significant moment for me because it was something I did on and off at varying levels of intensity for the next 15 years or so. There were periods of my life when I threw up several times a day. Other times I would go months without thinking about it. I have never talked about it before this moment. 

I made many strange choices in high school :) 

3. I fell in love.I don't really talk too much about it because it wasn't a fairy tale and nothing ever came of it. But it taught me so much. I finally understood love songs and poems and I will always be glad I had the experience. It's helped me as a therapist and a person. 

Men in uniform are so hot. Just a reminder.

Ok.... these are three odd moments.... they were just stuck in my mind and I wanted to record them for my posterity! 

p.s.- Sugar and I are thinking about getting a kitten! Stay tuned!

Lori Ann

And all the memories

And now...the final 3 most significant moments of my life. 

Remember, the numerical order is meaningless.

 So, it's not like these are the 'top 3' or anything. 

3. Waking up from surgery and my mom telling me that I almost didn't make it. It is very surreal to realize you were close to death. I have no memory, really, of what happened, I didn't see a light, I just woke up. I make my mom tell me the story every day because it still doesn't really seem real. 

2. If you are not Mormon, it's hard to describe our missionary service. Most people know us as those annoying people who knock on your door to talk about Jesus. Which is what I spent most of my 18 months as a missionary doing. Hours and hours a day, knocking on doors. As you can imagine, I had many tough moments as a missionary. But I had some incredibly powerful moments as well- and they more than made up for the struggle. The most powerful moment of my mission was a prayer. We were teaching a family and they were about to be baptized- we visited them the night before and asked if we could all pray together. I will never forget kneeling with that family in their little, overcrowded living room- Jose, the dad, started the prayer and then encouraged everyone to 'add on' (not usually how we pray) but it was incredible and I had this feeling that if I opened my eyes, I would see Heavenly Father there with us. It was the most INTENSE feeling I have ever felt. It made all the long days knocking on doors worthwhile. 

My favorite family ever! 

How I felt after 10 hours of knocking on doors...sadly, this was not the only time I decided to go ahead and lay on the side walk :) 

And now.... (you must listen to the song in this video as you read this...) 

1. My dad loves music. All throughout our childhood he would play music all night, on repeat track. It was always folk music. The one he played the most was an album called "Babes in the Wood" by Mary Black.  That background info leads to the moment that was significant. A few years ago, when I lived in Amish country, my sisters and the kids were visiting and we were driving home to my apartment after some outing and there was an awesome sunset and I must have put in a mix CD that had this Mary Black song "The Thorn upon the Rose" on it (from that album) and without speaking, my sisters and I started to (quietly) sing along. We ARE NOT those people. We avoid emotional displays and singing together and anything like this- it was a rare moment and it's significant to me, because for me, SISTER is the most powerful word in the world. My sisters mean the world to me. I felt so happy in that moment- I was so lucky with the sisters I got, they know me, we know the same songs, have the same stories, we sound the same on the phone, they are the only two people on Earth who can really make me laugh and we are probably the only people our age who can sing along to every Mary Black or Joni Mitchell or Dire Straits song. And that was the luckiest I have ever felt in my life, in that moment.  (and that includes the time I won 40 bucks in Vegas!)

Ok, back to my other topics tomorrow!

Lori Ann

And such was life

I know the Internet has been abuzz with speculation at when I would post again...

Lucky for the Internet, today is that day! Moments 6-4 are on their way. 

Let's do this dance!!

6. The day after I turned 23 I was flying from Utah to PA and I had a stopover in Chicago. This was before cell phones were everywhere so I ran off the plane and grabbed the nearest payphone to call the hospital in Provo. My mom answered and told me that my sister had given birth to my very first nephew (he was born 8 days late, hence my having to leave when my sister was still in labor). The wave of love I felt for someone I had never met was intense. That was the moment that I became an aunt and it has been my favorite role of my entire life. 

5. I went through a strange Billy Joel obsession when I was around 11. He had just released a new album called Storm Front and I listened to it over and over. One of my favorite songs was one called Leningrad (listen to it below!). I asked my dad about it and he spent the next few hours explaining the Cold War to me. I still remember it to this day. My dad can take any subject (but especially history) and make it fascinating. I remember feeling really special that he took the time to tell me all that. 

4. I graduated with my Masters Degree in 2007. I don't remember much about the ceremony or even school itself (don't get me started on the racket that is grad school) but I do remember walking back from the auditorium down Broad st in Philadelphia (right in the middle of the city) and wearing that Masters Robe (it has really cool different sleeves than the undergrad one) and thinking "I can't believe I have my Masters." 6 years of living in the middle of nowhere Idaho first, then a crazy year of commuting to the city by train, to the last year living right in the middle of the city. Hours and hours and hours of class, tests, presentations, projects, EVIL internships, tens of thousands of dollars, sometimes working two jobs, and feeling like I was going slowly out of my mind....all leading up to that very moment. 

So, there you have it! Moments 3-1 will be up tomorrow.

 Fasten your seat belts! 

Lori Ann

p.s.- Sarah, I demand that you do this on your blog!!! 

Telling my whole life

I was a fashion icon, even in childhood. 

So, today I am going to do something I have frequently asked my clients to do and yet never done myself. 

It's a writing exercise I call "the ten most significant moments of your life". 

I specify specific moments, not major life milestones. So, instead of saying "My wedding day", I encourage people to think of a specific moment of that day that stays with them and what it meant to them. 

So...without further ado, I give you 'The ten most significant moments in the life of Lori" 

(there is no meaning to the order...its just random..and they are kind of long...I might do 3 a day for a few posts)

10. I remember playing catch with my sister Erin out in the street when I was around 13 and she was better than me, which was frustrating, and I was trying to beat her. But then, in that moment, and I have NO IDEA why it was that moment, I sort of decided to present myself as more ditzy and incapable than I really was, as my mind was saying to me that is how 'girls are supposed to be' and 'people will be nicer to me if I can't do stuff'. I remember then deliberately missing the next catch and laughing, saying "I'm such a ditz".  I do this kind of stuff TO THIS DAY. 

9. I served a mission for my church in Chicago, Illinois. There were about a million significant moments in those 18 months but the one that stands out to me the most is the day I arrived to my first area and went into the apartment I would be living at with my first companion. I sat at the tiny kitchen table and realized that the tacky floral table cloth was glued onto the table. I had never felt so lost and alone in all my life. I was far from my family, in a cramped apartment with a girl who I had just met, who spoke very little English. It was the first time in my life that I had only God to turn to. My relationship with Him was changed from that very day. 

8. I remember when I was at my highest weight and I was living in North Carolina. I went to the Walmart to grab a couple of things and my back hurt so much from carrying all that extra weight and I was so out of breath that after a few minutes that I had to go to the shoe department so I could sit on one of their little benches. I felt like a prisoner in my body. 

7. (Last one for today) When I was 14, my family was living in a condo in Wildwood  NJ that we had rented for the winter until we could save up and find somewhere else to live after moving out of my grandfather's house in the fall. One night, all four of us kids and my mom were driving to look at a house that one of her coworkers had recommended- which was not a good fit at all- and I remember sitting in the backseat of that car and it really hitting me that my home was not a place but the people in the car with me. One of the blessings of poverty is that it teaches you what is truly of value and pulls you together as a team to just survive. 

I will write the rest tomorrow. Try not to let the suspense kill you!

Lori Ann

Still believe

This medical leave has given me too much time on my hands. 

I've been watching YouTube and setting crazy goals....

In honor of the two, here is a video montage I made about my crazy goals :) 

I made an edgier version with some Eminem music. 

But I know most of you aren't living the Thug Life like me, so I stuck with something a little safer. 

Lori Ann

Far beyond my reach

I can't fall asleep. 

And I think I've officially watched EVERY video on YouTube so..

This led me to looking for my old photo bucket accounts and I found some EPIC pictures. 

Without further ado...a few of my favorites! 

3 of the infamous Monroe 4...when they would still pose for me :) 

I LOVE this one...it shows so much of their personalities! 

My little Elly! 

The beginning of Jack-Jack's Harry Potter journey - one of the most important journeys in a persons life

I found a picture of me at my highest weight and one of me this week.
 I still have a long way to go but I will never go back to that place.
 (Also I may be slightly guilty of photo shopping the current picture...)

and lastly...I found SO many epic videos but since I wrote Elly's birthday tribute recently, here is a classic of the squeaky voiced little Elly Bean! 

Lori Ann

I hope you dance

The queen of jump shots! 

Elly is the athlete my dad's been waiting 40 years for!
(in soccer she has pink shin guards and the other coaches always say "watch out for the one in pink!")

Why we usually aren't allowed to sit together at church...too many selfies! :) 

The Elly magic! 

I have the BEST nieces in the entire world. 

I just now realized that, for the first time since she turned 4, I didn't write a birthday tribute for my niece Elly.

I almost died on the 7th- I'm glad I didn't. 

I wouldn't want her birthday to be weird at all.

February 7th should always be a day of celebration! 

Elizabeth Mae turned 10 years old just 1 month and 2 days ago. 

I have seen her less and less this year as she is busy with sports and friends and school.   

Its amazing to see her become more independent and bright and funny.

She loves friends and sleepovers and writing and the phone and nail polish and everything a 10 year old should love. 

I have been so blessed in getting to see her grow up.  

She reminds me so much of her mom, my sister Danielle.

In all the best ways.

And so...in the tradition of the last six years...

To my dear niece Elizabeth Mae on the occasion of your 10th birthday...
(just a little bit late..)

Elly Mae, you aren't that little giggling girl we called our Elly Bean

You are tall and fierce and so smart..no wonder you are named for a Queen 

You still have that hair that is 100 shades of gold

It's like Elsa's hair...if she were just 10 years old.

Elly I hope you have the best year of your life

And have friends and fun and many a sleepover night.

When you read this one day, I want you to know

That you are beautiful and smart and kind and so

Stay true to the Queen Elizabeth that you are

And be brave and strong and you will go far

But no matter the distance or what you go through

Remember, the best part of me was always you.

Love always, 

Aunt Lori 

What it means to be living

My greatest selfie to date! 

What I've learned since 2/7/16: 

(the day I almost died) 

1. My family is amazing.

 I need to worry less about past hurts and petty squabbles and remember how very blessed I am to be born into a family with these 5 incredible people. 

2. Being in good health is SUCH a blessing. 

You don't realize it until it's gone. 

I'm so tired of being tired and I just wish for the days when I was training for half marathons and going 7-8 miles a day like it was nothing. 

3. I need to work to be mentally healthy. 

When I am immersed in working and tired, I often think it would be amazing to sit at home every day with no responsibilities. 

But this LONG break from work reminded me how boring idleness and lack of purpose and productivity are. 

4. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

 Live your life now...you don't know what tomorrow brings. 

5. The last thing is something I've been trying to teach myself for years and years...it's become a little more clear since 2/7/16- the idea that (and I am quoting Robin Williams who was quoting David Thoreau)

 "Most men live lives of quiet desperation.

 Don't be resigned to that". 

 I really desperately want to LIVE my life- to challenge myself, to see amazing things, to serve, to travel, to have as few regrets as are humanly possible. 

If i had died that Sunday 3 weeks ago, I would have died without:

 ever seeing the Northern Lights

 without ever running a full marathon

 without ever dancing all night

without sleeping in a field of blue bonnets.

 without reading all the works of Shakespeare

 without spending Christmas Day volunteering at a shelter

and a million other little life goals and dreams. 

2016 has started out as a rocky, expensive, crazy roller coaster for me.

 I want it to end as the BEST year of my life. 

Wish me luck!!

Lori Ann

And so she breaks down

My grandmother Ann with my mom (I think)

So, yesterday I decided to do some family history while I was trapped in the house "recovering"

  I use parenthesis because my recovery consist mainly of bossing my brother around and weird baking projects...it's emotionally healing, if not physically. 

Ugh, recovery. 

ANYWAY (sorry for the repeat, instagram peeps). as I was staggering around in familysearch.org and I accidentally stumbled on my grandmother's mom.

My great grand mom, Ann Smith Roberts. 

No one has heard a single word from her since 1940 when she left her 6 children and her husband and never came home. 

That was 76 years ago.

I had always thought that she went to Ireland, her parent's homeland. 

Some rumors said that she married a rich doctor. 

But I found out that she married an Italian bartender and handy man in 1946
(let me pause for a moment to show her a little empathy...an Italian bartender??? holy hannah!)

Anything, she left and went on to live her life in Massachusetts until her death in 1998. 

 Ann is my middle name, it's my mom's middle name, and my grandmom's first.

 Her legacy impacts all of us, not just in her name, but in how her decision to leave affected her kids, and their kids, and then her grandkids (me and my cousins), and now their children.

The slamming of the door as she walked away from her children has reverberated in a very real way through the next 3 generations.

It makes me feel a little sick that she lived in the same state where her children were shuffled around in foster care.

And she did nothing to contact them. To help them. Not one word before or after her death. 

It makes me so sad for my grandmother. Everyone needs a mom, no matter your age. 

My mom  pulled me through the last few weeks and when I tried to brush her off or make her take a break, she would just say "I can't, I'm a mom". 

I wonder how she lived such a long life and never knew what happened to her babies?

My grandmother raised 9 kids in like 10 different states (and JAPAN!) with a military husband who was frequently gone.

My grandmother is one of the strongest woman I have ever met. Probably because she never had any other choice but to be strong. The oldest daughter in a band of orphaned siblings. A mom to her little sisters, I am sure and then her nine kids. 

I am glad that God is the ultimate judge because I would be like  (to my great grand mom) "Yeah, no...didnt make it"  Then I would cackle in evil delight. 

ANYWAY...

We might be taking a trip up to Essex Massachusetts in the near future to see what else we can find! 

If you haven't ever done family history, its FASCINATING- like watching all the puzzle pieces that you make you who are you fall into place! 

This might seem melodramatic but I see hints of myself in the faces and life stories of my ancestors. It  always reminds me that I am part of something much bigger than just me and Sugar living in our crazy barn apartment. 

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I'm so tired but when I start crafting, I can't stop. Hopefully we all get to sleep in tomorrow! :) 

Lori Ann 

Daughter of Terry Ann Wilson Hinsdale

Granddaughter of Ann Roberts Wilson

Great Granddaughter of Ann Smith Roberts Michielutti 

(and Mother to Sugar December, of course) 

I say that I don't care

This picture is to remind us all that I've survived tougher things than nearly dying and pneumonia. I survived my crazy blond phase. 

I keep having the same reoccurring thought. 

Nothing is the same. 

Nothing is the same. 

I went to my apartment for the first time in 3 weeks today. 

My flowers were dead, my yogurt expired, my furniture dusty and I felt like it had been a lifetime since I had lived there. 

I was different 3 weeks ago. 

I was younger. 

I was more thoughtless. 

I was less grateful. 

The only feeling I have to compare this to is the feeling I had on 9/11- I remember standing at a gas station in Illinois as a missionary, listening to news on our car radio and seeing the flag at the Burger King already at half mast and it honestly felt like time slowed down and I thought "Nothing will ever be the same". 

I do believe that everything that happens in our lives serves a purpose and is part of God's plan for us. 

I believe our whole purpose in being here is to learn and progress. 

I wonder what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to learn? 

Empathy? Gratitude? The importance of taking care of my health? 

I definitely have gained more appreciation and understanding of all 3. 

I guess time will tell. 

ANYWAY- soon I will be moving on from this topic and focusing on my new major goal for 2016- 

GETTING TO MY GOAL WEIGHT! 

Get ready for an endless array of fitness related posts, people!

Lori Ann