And dreams that had never come true

I have written close to a thousand posts since I started this blog almost 7 years ago. 

This will be, by far, the hardest one to write. 

2016 has been probably the most difficult, challenging, life changing year I have ever lived. 

Between car accidents, emergency surgery, changing jobs, looking at life differently, just everything.

It has been a tough year but I am convinced God is trying to teach me something. 

So, after my near death experience in February, I kind of woke up to the realization that I wasn't living my life really.

I was just surviving. 

Not happy, not growing, not joyful, not challenged, not inspired. 

Nothing had changed in my life in too many years. 

So, I did some things that I had never done. 

Some...impulsive things.

 (which I genuinely regret)

And...in the 2nd week of April, I found out I was pregnant. 

Yeah. 

Being unmarried, LDS, and pregnant was not how I saw my life at 36. 

I was both insanely excited and insanely scared. 

I went to the OB on Thursday, the 26th of May.

And they told me she was gone. 

(I have always felt like this baby was a girl...I have been calling her "Lily Jane"..who knows though?) 

She said I had what is called a 'chemical pregnancy', where the embryo forms but doesn't attach to the uterine wall. 

They gave me some pills to take (to dispose of the 'products of conception') and I went home alone. 

I stayed up all night. 

I broke out in hives and chewed my nails down to the stub. 

I couldn't think clearly. 

I couldn't stop crying. 

I was reading Harry Potter because that was what I had started reading to the baby as soon as I found out. 

I didn't want anyone there. 

There wasn't anything my mom could do. 

And I felt like I had to be HER mom in that moment and be strong. 

I've kind of been on autopilot the last week. 

But I felt like there should be some record, somewhere (besides my ob's files) that she existed. 

That she was loved.

So, this blog will return to being the crazy Spinster Chronicles. 

But, just like a tiny part of my heart will always be in Chicago with the people I served on my mission, another tiny part of my heart will be with her. 

I hope she is the first thing I see when I get to the other side. 

Lori Ann 

(Lily Jane's mom ) 

Where your journey ends

Yesterday was epic. 

I got to see my friend Sarah and meet her incredible husband, Ben. 

We all got to listen in delight to their Australian accents. 

I kept telling Sarah"If I were you, I would just talk to myself all day" It probably crossed the line into creepy by the third time I said it. I never know when I'm crossing the creepy line.

We had white people tacos and talked Australian and American politics. 

And Sarah and Ben indulged me by coming for a drive to all my favorite hot spots: the abandoned barn, the creepy cemetery, and the hill behind my church for jump shots. 

I just added "jump shots in Australia" to my bucket list.

Get ready, Sarah and Ben! 

Thanks for an amazing visit! 

Lori Ann

And I don't want to go home right now

It's been forever since I have updated.

A lot has changed in the last two months.

A lot.

I left my job at Penn Foundation after almost 4 years there.

I was just tired.

And my heart wasn't in it.

I am interviewing at a bunch of different places right now but I am not in a rush.

I want to find the right job.

Not just the first place that offers.

Another major change has happened my life.

But I'm not really sure how to talk about it.

Maybe next post.

In closing...kitten pics!

And Happy Birthday and Baptism to the one and only family Kat

Katherine Danielle Monroe! 

I love you, Katy-Kat!

Love always,

Aunt Lori 

On a red eye midnight flight

I know I post a lot of tribute posts. 

But I don't ever want to die have something unsaid. 

And I have been blessed to always have amazing people in my life. 

My two favorite have always been and always will be my sisters. 

I was listening to "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks as I was cleaning tonight 

(my "cleaning mix" has a lot of angry feminist music!) 

Anyway, this song always reminds me of my sisters. 

My favorite lines are:

 "Right way Mary Ann flew in from Atlanta on a red eye midnight flight

She held Wanda's hand and they worked out a plan and it didn't take them long to decide

That Earl had to die" 

When I was in the hospital last month

and they didn't know if I would make it

 my mom called my sisters.

Danielle got to the hospital in 15 minutes and Erin bought a plane ticket that night and was there the next day. 

I wouldn't trade my big sisters for anything in the world. 

I thank my Heavenly Father every day for them and know He put them in my family and my life for a reason. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that...and leave you with some awesome Hinsdale kid pics...we were kind of a big deal in the 80's :) 

Erin's high school graduation. I don't know why I am making that face.
 Probably because I still had another year of high school in Jersey. 

Before I lost my blond hair. And I was already glaring/smirking at Jr :) 

Danielle and Erin spent every summer for years trying to teach me how to do a cartwheel.
It was a lost cause. I'm hopelessly lacking in grace. 

We had some seriously epic poses. And see those bars in the background?
We used to spin on them and I fell off so many times. What was I thinking??

(Ignore my fingers..a lot of these are pictures of pictures)
ANYWAY- probably Easter about 30 years ago :) 

My mother was always perming my hair. But I like my dress in this one.
Erin looks disgruntled. Probably realizing I was the 'stylish sister'. :)

Lori Ann

younger sister of

Danielle Christian

and

Erin Leigh

And all we used to be

So... I have thought of so many other significant moments.

Like the time I locked myself in an outhouse for 6 hours...

 and the time I broke my leg at 3:30 in the morning in Idaho.....

and the day I pledged to get a taser....so many magical memories :) 

I loved fall pictures even as a child :) 

But seriously...I wanted to add a few more bonus memories that were really significant to me but didn't make the cut! 

Let's do this dance!

1. When I was 24 I was back in college in Idaho and working two jobs. I was taking about a billion credits and trying not to kill my narcoleptic, boy crazy roommate. I had an interview with my bishop to get my temple recommend renewed (I need a Mormon culture decoder on this blog). I raced from work to the interview, which was fine but just before I was about to leave, the Bishop told me that I needed to be wearing my church clothes next time I came in for an interview. I was so embarrassed. I wasn't in dirty clothes but I had the jeans and tee shirt I wore to my caregiver job on and hadn't had time or even thought to change. Something about what he said and the way he said it really struck me. I remember walking around my complex later that day and standing by a tree, pulling leaves off and watching them fall to the ground (I was so dramatic, I swear) In that moment I realized I would never fit in with my religious culture and I would likely never marry. I made a decision in that moment to be ok with it. 

Me and maybe that crazy roommate with our favorite resident June! :) 

2. I was 16 and I was babysitting one night and I had put the kids to bed and finished eating almost an entire tray of tator tots and like 3 hot dogs by myself. I was so disgusted by how much I had eaten that I made myself throw up. Which was a significant moment for me because it was something I did on and off at varying levels of intensity for the next 15 years or so. There were periods of my life when I threw up several times a day. Other times I would go months without thinking about it. I have never talked about it before this moment. 

I made many strange choices in high school :) 

3. I fell in love.I don't really talk too much about it because it wasn't a fairy tale and nothing ever came of it. But it taught me so much. I finally understood love songs and poems and I will always be glad I had the experience. It's helped me as a therapist and a person. 

Men in uniform are so hot. Just a reminder.

Ok.... these are three odd moments.... they were just stuck in my mind and I wanted to record them for my posterity! 

p.s.- Sugar and I are thinking about getting a kitten! Stay tuned!

Lori Ann

And all the memories

And now...the final 3 most significant moments of my life. 

Remember, the numerical order is meaningless.

 So, it's not like these are the 'top 3' or anything. 

3. Waking up from surgery and my mom telling me that I almost didn't make it. It is very surreal to realize you were close to death. I have no memory, really, of what happened, I didn't see a light, I just woke up. I make my mom tell me the story every day because it still doesn't really seem real. 

2. If you are not Mormon, it's hard to describe our missionary service. Most people know us as those annoying people who knock on your door to talk about Jesus. Which is what I spent most of my 18 months as a missionary doing. Hours and hours a day, knocking on doors. As you can imagine, I had many tough moments as a missionary. But I had some incredibly powerful moments as well- and they more than made up for the struggle. The most powerful moment of my mission was a prayer. We were teaching a family and they were about to be baptized- we visited them the night before and asked if we could all pray together. I will never forget kneeling with that family in their little, overcrowded living room- Jose, the dad, started the prayer and then encouraged everyone to 'add on' (not usually how we pray) but it was incredible and I had this feeling that if I opened my eyes, I would see Heavenly Father there with us. It was the most INTENSE feeling I have ever felt. It made all the long days knocking on doors worthwhile. 

My favorite family ever! 

How I felt after 10 hours of knocking on doors...sadly, this was not the only time I decided to go ahead and lay on the side walk :) 

And now.... (you must listen to the song in this video as you read this...) 

1. My dad loves music. All throughout our childhood he would play music all night, on repeat track. It was always folk music. The one he played the most was an album called "Babes in the Wood" by Mary Black.  That background info leads to the moment that was significant. A few years ago, when I lived in Amish country, my sisters and the kids were visiting and we were driving home to my apartment after some outing and there was an awesome sunset and I must have put in a mix CD that had this Mary Black song "The Thorn upon the Rose" on it (from that album) and without speaking, my sisters and I started to (quietly) sing along. We ARE NOT those people. We avoid emotional displays and singing together and anything like this- it was a rare moment and it's significant to me, because for me, SISTER is the most powerful word in the world. My sisters mean the world to me. I felt so happy in that moment- I was so lucky with the sisters I got, they know me, we know the same songs, have the same stories, we sound the same on the phone, they are the only two people on Earth who can really make me laugh and we are probably the only people our age who can sing along to every Mary Black or Joni Mitchell or Dire Straits song. And that was the luckiest I have ever felt in my life, in that moment.  (and that includes the time I won 40 bucks in Vegas!)

Ok, back to my other topics tomorrow!

Lori Ann

And such was life

I know the Internet has been abuzz with speculation at when I would post again...

Lucky for the Internet, today is that day! Moments 6-4 are on their way. 

Let's do this dance!!

6. The day after I turned 23 I was flying from Utah to PA and I had a stopover in Chicago. This was before cell phones were everywhere so I ran off the plane and grabbed the nearest payphone to call the hospital in Provo. My mom answered and told me that my sister had given birth to my very first nephew (he was born 8 days late, hence my having to leave when my sister was still in labor). The wave of love I felt for someone I had never met was intense. That was the moment that I became an aunt and it has been my favorite role of my entire life. 

5. I went through a strange Billy Joel obsession when I was around 11. He had just released a new album called Storm Front and I listened to it over and over. One of my favorite songs was one called Leningrad (listen to it below!). I asked my dad about it and he spent the next few hours explaining the Cold War to me. I still remember it to this day. My dad can take any subject (but especially history) and make it fascinating. I remember feeling really special that he took the time to tell me all that. 

4. I graduated with my Masters Degree in 2007. I don't remember much about the ceremony or even school itself (don't get me started on the racket that is grad school) but I do remember walking back from the auditorium down Broad st in Philadelphia (right in the middle of the city) and wearing that Masters Robe (it has really cool different sleeves than the undergrad one) and thinking "I can't believe I have my Masters." 6 years of living in the middle of nowhere Idaho first, then a crazy year of commuting to the city by train, to the last year living right in the middle of the city. Hours and hours and hours of class, tests, presentations, projects, EVIL internships, tens of thousands of dollars, sometimes working two jobs, and feeling like I was going slowly out of my mind....all leading up to that very moment. 

So, there you have it! Moments 3-1 will be up tomorrow.

 Fasten your seat belts! 

Lori Ann

p.s.- Sarah, I demand that you do this on your blog!!!