Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who

You know how most people don't really know you?

I mean, everyone has family and even a few friends who know them, but the majority of people you interact with will never really see beyond the facade.

With that in mind, I have decided to reveal 10 things you would NEVER know about me if I wasn't about to tell you right now.

Let's do this thing!!

10. In my almost three years of working in people's homes, I have never used their bathrooms.

 It doesn't matter if I am out for 2 hours or 10, I have trained myself not to have to go until I get home. 

(and its not a germ thing..I always think about how I feel when people ask to use my bathroom..which is never clean)

9. I was at Times Square for New Years Eve 2000.

8. I've seen hundreds of people naked.

 I've even chased naked people down the hallway!

7. I am weirdly fascinated by infection.

 When my finger was infected, I took pictures of it to send to my mom. 

6. I sleep in my recliner.

 I inherited my sister and brother in law's mattress when they upgraded and it is as hard as a rock.

5. I can't take certain adult responsibilities seriously.

 Like having interns.

 I just see them as new sidekicks, with whom I can plan crazy pranks and craft projects.

4.  I like drinking out of fancy cups.

 It makes me feel like I am living a little dangerously. :)

3. I love blinking Christmas lights.

 It makes me feel safe and like the world is still a safe and magical place.

2. I feel like the worst thing about being single is having to scrape the snow off of my own car.

1. I am still obsessed with Harry Potter

. I just don't talk about it anymore, because I don't want people to know I'm still obsessed (after 2 1/2 years) and judge me for it! 

Lori Ann

You are to refrain from any any acts of violence including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures.

There are a lot of things I could talk about today.

 My crazy new intern.

 Office politics.

 My two days off caffeine before I fell off the wagon again.

 How I am getting the iPhone next month. 

However, I will leave you in suspense and simply give you a few glimpses into the G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S. life of Lori!

This is the "snow storm" that shut the South down for literally a week. 

This is my new favorite scent from Bath and Body Works!

I will be seeing this little muffin baby soon, when she comes to my house for her 'birthday tour'!


Lori Ann

No matter what she tells you..she was NOT born in the wagon of a travelling show!

Behold.

 It's my Mother!

Though she may appear deceptively cute and sweet, beware!

Her favorite shows are about murder, she's angry because she is short and can't reach things, and she once told me "the rules are different for moms"

 

My mom is the most charismatic person I have ever met.

 She is charming and kind and funny.

She makes people feel both cared about and empowered.

 Whenever I introduce her to someone new, I still get that little kid feeling, like "do you see? It's my mom! I told you that she was cool!" 

Ma, thanks for everything. 

Happy Birthday

Your favorite child and baby,

Lori Ann

Well in body, though considerably rumpled in spirit

You know, if there is one thing that this blog is missing, it's more of my opinions.

Many of you may be paralyzed by indecision in your every day lives, wondering "What would Lori think about this?"

Well, prepare to be liberated my little pork chops..you are about to experience

LORI'S HIGHLY EDUCATED, INFORMED,  AND SUPER IMPORTANT OPINIONS ON STUFF

Here we go...

1 The Economy: I wish the government ran their finances like I did.

Then things would be great in this country.

 Because we'd spend all of our money on pointless craft projects and wonder exactly what this whole 'retirement planning' crap is even really about.

2. Rap Music: It degrades women and glamorizes violence, drugs, and an irresponsible life style.

 And let me assure you of this..you will NEVER catch me listening to Snoop or Eminem in my Ford Focus, singing along, feeling really bad ass.

 Nope.

That's not me, so just keep driving, ok?

Gosh.

3. The Jersey Shore craze: Listen, I lived on the REAL Jersey shore for 5 years.

 The over priced car insurance, no self serve gas, dead hermit shell crabs, and dirty bay water.

 And the obnoxious french Canadian  tourists.

When will these things be featured on the show?

 There was only one hot tub in the Villas (the town I lived in) and it belonged to my Chemistry teacher.

 One night he found some random man in it. 

4. Gay Marriage: I support marriage of all kinds.

 Mainly because my favorite form of entertainment is wedding related reality TV.

Cakes, dresses, and wedding planning.

 All of it.

 So, whatever we have to do to create twice as much of that programming, I have to get behind it.

 In an ideal world, I think any two people should be able to get together in some kind of union.

 And NO, I am not just saying this because I'd like to get my hands on my cousin, Gregory Francis. 

Wow..we've covered a lot of ground here.

 Next weeks topics will include: tupperware, pretentious facebook status updates, war, and therapy for pets. 

You're Welcome.

Lori Ann

Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more

The parking lot next to my drivers side door- don't be fooled, it's not slush..it's pure ice

Ice is my winter nemesis.
 (and it's twin is humidity- my summer nemesis)

 11 years ago today (I think), I fell on the ice on my way to work
.

It was 330 am in Rexburg Idaho.

I broke my leg in two places. 

I can still hear the sound of the bones breaking (it sounded like a pencil snapping) in my head.

Now, I have a complete fear of ice.

Which just about matches my apartment complex's complete apathy concerning ice removal.

And so the games begin..me versus the ice

(Don't tell anyone, but my money's on the ice!)

Lori Ann

How convenient for you..and the clock

Ok, people.

 It's Friday night.

After talking myself out of going to bed at 8 pm, I decided to spice up my night by watching the entire second season of Say Yes to the Dress on netflix.

Yeah, I guess I am kind of a party animal.

Anyway, I spent most of my day in

 MOTIVATIONAL INTERVIEWING

 training.

This is the therapeutic technique that employs a lot of reflective listening, etc..

It sounds something like this:

 client  "I don't want to be in therapy, you can't help me"

Me: "It sounds to me like you feel alone in what you are going through, and you are wondering if therapy will be able to help you"

Pretty sweet, right?

Be on the look out for me to utilize this technique on you at

ANY. GIVEN. MOMENT. 

Lori Ann

This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bow staff.

Years ago, I read an article in Readers Digest that changed my life. 

The basic premise of the article was the author's quest to use movie/ song quotes in every day conversation. 

Not just willy- nilly. 

Anyone can toss out a random "Your mom goes to college" or "The force is strong with this one" type quotes. 

The author was talking about obscure, strange quotes used IN THE CONTEXT of the conversation. 

Not as random asides. 

From the moment I read that article, I began a quest of my own.

 During this quest I have used many, many quotes in every day conversation, some notable ones being:

"I am hot, sticky, sweet from my head to my feet"

"I don't know where I am going, and only God knows where I've been"

"What are you doing here? Well, I can see that you are serving drinks!"

"You used up all the glue on purpose!"

"Because he's holding a thermal detonator!"

and my personal favorite:

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament... My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon... luge lessons... In the spring, we'd make meat helmets.."

I don't know if your daily conversations need to be spiced up.

 I get bored with the same old chit chat.

Anyway, some of you might think this is a stupid idea. 

To those people I say: You are clearly jealous..and seriously, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. 

Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

Lori Ann