What it means to be living

My greatest selfie to date! 

What I've learned since 2/7/16: 

(the day I almost died) 

1. My family is amazing.

 I need to worry less about past hurts and petty squabbles and remember how very blessed I am to be born into a family with these 5 incredible people. 

2. Being in good health is SUCH a blessing. 

You don't realize it until it's gone. 

I'm so tired of being tired and I just wish for the days when I was training for half marathons and going 7-8 miles a day like it was nothing. 

3. I need to work to be mentally healthy. 

When I am immersed in working and tired, I often think it would be amazing to sit at home every day with no responsibilities. 

But this LONG break from work reminded me how boring idleness and lack of purpose and productivity are. 

4. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

 Live your life now...you don't know what tomorrow brings. 

5. The last thing is something I've been trying to teach myself for years and years...it's become a little more clear since 2/7/16- the idea that (and I am quoting Robin Williams who was quoting David Thoreau)

 "Most men live lives of quiet desperation.

 Don't be resigned to that". 

 I really desperately want to LIVE my life- to challenge myself, to see amazing things, to serve, to travel, to have as few regrets as are humanly possible. 

If i had died that Sunday 3 weeks ago, I would have died without:

 ever seeing the Northern Lights

 without ever running a full marathon

 without ever dancing all night

without sleeping in a field of blue bonnets.

 without reading all the works of Shakespeare

 without spending Christmas Day volunteering at a shelter

and a million other little life goals and dreams. 

2016 has started out as a rocky, expensive, crazy roller coaster for me.

 I want it to end as the BEST year of my life. 

Wish me luck!!

Lori Ann

And so she breaks down

My grandmother Ann with my mom (I think)

So, yesterday I decided to do some family history while I was trapped in the house "recovering"

  I use parenthesis because my recovery consist mainly of bossing my brother around and weird baking projects...it's emotionally healing, if not physically. 

Ugh, recovery. 

ANYWAY (sorry for the repeat, instagram peeps). as I was staggering around in familysearch.org and I accidentally stumbled on my grandmother's mom.

My great grand mom, Ann Smith Roberts. 

No one has heard a single word from her since 1940 when she left her 6 children and her husband and never came home. 

That was 76 years ago.

I had always thought that she went to Ireland, her parent's homeland. 

Some rumors said that she married a rich doctor. 

But I found out that she married an Italian bartender and handy man in 1946
(let me pause for a moment to show her a little empathy...an Italian bartender??? holy hannah!)

Anything, she left and went on to live her life in Massachusetts until her death in 1998. 

 Ann is my middle name, it's my mom's middle name, and my grandmom's first.

 Her legacy impacts all of us, not just in her name, but in how her decision to leave affected her kids, and their kids, and then her grandkids (me and my cousins), and now their children.

The slamming of the door as she walked away from her children has reverberated in a very real way through the next 3 generations.

It makes me feel a little sick that she lived in the same state where her children were shuffled around in foster care.

And she did nothing to contact them. To help them. Not one word before or after her death. 

It makes me so sad for my grandmother. Everyone needs a mom, no matter your age. 

My mom  pulled me through the last few weeks and when I tried to brush her off or make her take a break, she would just say "I can't, I'm a mom". 

I wonder how she lived such a long life and never knew what happened to her babies?

My grandmother raised 9 kids in like 10 different states (and JAPAN!) with a military husband who was frequently gone.

My grandmother is one of the strongest woman I have ever met. Probably because she never had any other choice but to be strong. The oldest daughter in a band of orphaned siblings. A mom to her little sisters, I am sure and then her nine kids. 

I am glad that God is the ultimate judge because I would be like  (to my great grand mom) "Yeah, no...didnt make it"  Then I would cackle in evil delight. 

ANYWAY...

We might be taking a trip up to Essex Massachusetts in the near future to see what else we can find! 

If you haven't ever done family history, its FASCINATING- like watching all the puzzle pieces that you make you who are you fall into place! 

This might seem melodramatic but I see hints of myself in the faces and life stories of my ancestors. It  always reminds me that I am part of something much bigger than just me and Sugar living in our crazy barn apartment. 

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I'm so tired but when I start crafting, I can't stop. Hopefully we all get to sleep in tomorrow! :) 

Lori Ann 

Daughter of Terry Ann Wilson Hinsdale

Granddaughter of Ann Roberts Wilson

Great Granddaughter of Ann Smith Roberts Michielutti 

(and Mother to Sugar December, of course) 

I say that I don't care

This picture is to remind us all that I've survived tougher things than nearly dying and pneumonia. I survived my crazy blond phase. 

I keep having the same reoccurring thought. 

Nothing is the same. 

Nothing is the same. 

I went to my apartment for the first time in 3 weeks today. 

My flowers were dead, my yogurt expired, my furniture dusty and I felt like it had been a lifetime since I had lived there. 

I was different 3 weeks ago. 

I was younger. 

I was more thoughtless. 

I was less grateful. 

The only feeling I have to compare this to is the feeling I had on 9/11- I remember standing at a gas station in Illinois as a missionary, listening to news on our car radio and seeing the flag at the Burger King already at half mast and it honestly felt like time slowed down and I thought "Nothing will ever be the same". 

I do believe that everything that happens in our lives serves a purpose and is part of God's plan for us. 

I believe our whole purpose in being here is to learn and progress. 

I wonder what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to learn? 

Empathy? Gratitude? The importance of taking care of my health? 

I definitely have gained more appreciation and understanding of all 3. 

I guess time will tell. 

ANYWAY- soon I will be moving on from this topic and focusing on my new major goal for 2016- 

GETTING TO MY GOAL WEIGHT! 

Get ready for an endless array of fitness related posts, people!

Lori Ann

More than my own life

Almost dying makes you look at life in a different way. 

It makes you appreciate things you might have been taking for granted.

Chocolate. Sleeping in your own bed. Friends. Good health. Chocolate.  

But more than anything else, my appreciation for my family grew by leaps and bounds these past few weeks.

When the surgeon told my parents I might not make it, my family immediately pulled together for me. 

My brother David and sister Erin and her husband Dan immediately bought tickets and flew out from Utah the next morning.

My sister Danielle left her 4 kids with her husband that same night and came to the hospital and spent all night awake by my side, talking to me, holding my hand, praying for me, and my mom said that I was comforted by the sound of her voice and my vitals stayed stable and I pulled through the night. 

My mom took off a week and a half from work and spent almost every hour of the day and night with me in the hospital. 

She held my hand through painful testing and bad news and slow progress.

 She comforted me when I cried over and over. 

 She talked to doctors on my behalf and relentlessly advocated for me. 

My dad cooked, drove, did laundry, drove to the city in the rain and snow to pick up and drop off at the airport- he kept everything running so everyone's attention could be focused on me. 

He brought me my stuffed rabbit Peachy (I've had her since I was 5) and gave me priesthood blessings and made me feel less scared- I'm never scared when my dad is there. 

My sisters came every day- they(and my my mom) helped me to and from the bathroom- even helping me change bedding or do quick clean ups to save me from embarrassment when I got so tangled up in tubes and IV's I didn't make it all the way to the bathroom. 

They made me laugh and helped me walk and listened to me rant. 

They reminded me why the word 'sister' is the most powerful non religious word in the world to me.

 For once, instead of fighting the title of 'little sister', I embraced the blessing of having two amazing and strong big sisters. 

I don't think I've ever loved and appreciated each of my family members more than I did over the last several weeks.  

I will never forget this experience.

 I will never forget the feelings of comfort and peace that I got from the love and support of my INCREDIBLE family.

 I love them more than my own life.

 I hope they know that. 

Lori Ann

Daughter of David Allen and Terry Ann

and little Sister of 

David Allen Jr, Danielle Christian, and Erin Leigh

(and sister in law to Jack and Dan and OF COURSE, aunt to Jack Allen 3rd, James Ray, Elizabeth Mae, and Katherine Danielle) 

You see her when you fall asleep

So....

The Spinster Chronicles has been on sabbatical the last few weeks due to a near death experience. 

Really. Near Death. 

On Feb. 7th, at 3 am I went into the ER with a sharp pain in my right side. 

It turned out that 1/3rd of my colon was dead. 

The surgeon told my parents that he wasn't sure I would make it. 

HOLY HANNAH. 

I might not make it?????

Luckily, I did and I spent the next week in the ICU in a painful and crazy recovery. 

I was released on Valentines Day and happily went home. 

Only to return 2 days later with an even sharper pain.

It was post surgical pneumonia with inflammation around my lungs.

 (The inflammation caused the WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT) 

I spent another LONG week in the hospital, 

I am home again but receive 3 home health care visits a week to help with my wound vac

 (they had to cut me open to do an emergency colon resection and then wound can't just be sewed up)

I don't know when I can go back to work. 

I am staying with my parents. 

I LOST 20 LBS IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!

I plan to add a lot more detail in the next few posts- about my family, the experience, the staff- I don't want to forget the details that made this such a life changing experience. 

But I wanted to start with what happened. 

And to say that it did change me. 

It reminded me that I need to LIVE my life. 

Because, as cliched as it sounds, you never know how long you have. 

Lori Ann

I know you hate it when I leave the light on

Sugar as a kitten!!!!
(she would sleep by my head...now she is too independent for that! :/ ) 

I have no idea when Sugar was born. 

She came from an Amish farm and I don't think tracking and commemorating cat birthdays is a big priority for them.

So I chose Feb. 2nd- it's a Pennsylvanian holiday (Ground Hogs Day) and she is a quintessential PA cat. 

And I got her in winter, so it's kind of a celebration of our time together. 

Yesterday was her birthday. 

I've had my Sugar December for 4 years now. 

I love her so much. 

I think she is Heavenly Father's way of giving me a little glimpse of motherhood. 

I can't imagine my life without my little calico crazy cat. 

Lori Ann

And he has found me

As anyone who has read this blog knows, I am kind of obsessed with song lyrics. 

I connect more to the emotion of song lyrics than to any book, poetry, movie, or any other form of artistic expression.

Probably the only thing that inspires me on the same level is Pennsylvania in the fall.

Only 2 1/2 seasons to go until fall is back! 

Anyway, one of my favorite songs ever is "on my own" from Les Mis.

I particularly love the line "the river's just a river". 

There are so many things I've wanted my whole life and I can almost imagine that I have them in my mind and then I wake up and realize that I never had them, can never get them and that life goes on. 

(I am NOT talking about marriage- holy Hannah- I've been doing more marriage counseling lately and my resolve to die a mean, cat obsessed spinster grows stronger daily!) 

Anyway, the lyrics 

"I love him, but every day I'm learning... All my life I've been pretending" 

really hit me today. 

I can't ask someone for something they don't have to give. 

And it's time to let go. 

And be ok on my own. 

Like Eponine! 

(I would prefer not to die in revolution, though...)

Lori Ann