There's nothing left to talk about

So...

Anti-Mothers Week has been a raving success for me so far.

I thought about calling it "I'm not a mom but I want to celebrate myself, don't judge me, devils! week" but felt that Anti-Mothers Week had a more provocative and angsty vibe to it.

Speaking of provoking, I am always plotting to post about controversial topics on this blog to drive up my readership. But then I think "ehhh...."

So, if you came here looking for some controversy, you are going to have to get your fix somewhere else, gossip mongers!

Today I walked 2.2. miles AND THEN went to the gym. It's official. I am one of 'those people'. Do not show your face at the SNAP fitness in Quakertown, PA..because I will sneer at you. All I really need to get to finalize my gym cred is a weight belt. (and muscles and stuff, but I can't focus on that when I have a weight belt acquisition to worry about)

Lori Ann

Que el cielo y tu madre cuidan de ti

You guys...if you look at the history of my blog, every May you will see about a weeks worth of posts dedicated to my mother. It is; after all, "Mother's Week". (my mother never has a 'day'- its always a 'week'- birth week, mothers week, etc, etc)

And my mother deserves a million posts, trust me. But this year I am taking the Chronicles in a slightly new direction.

This week I am going to write a few posts celebrating myself. And everything that I love about not being a mom.

I think most people probably have the idea that spinsterhood and not being a mom are trials that us single girls are called to bear. And while there is a hint of truth to that...*it would be so nice to have someone to rant "My mother told me not to marry you" at, a crazy daughter to dress up, and all the, sweet, sweet Mormon societal acceptance that comes with it*... it is sometimes just a crazy awesome blessing to be free.

Not being a mom means:

That I can sleep in EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND

That I can 'play mom' (aka being an Aunt) and just laugh merrily through all of the fun and then go home and eat chocolate and watch scary movies all night on my netflix app because...once again...I don't have to wake up early or deal with the fallout of the sugar high I created.

I can get in and out of my car in 30 seconds flat.

I get to have the following conversation with myself every day "What do you feel like doing tonight, Lori?..Nothing? That sounds great"

I do laundry about every two weeks

I still have a fairly firm grip on my sanity.

Lori Ann

p.s.- It should be obvious but let me add a disclaimer anyway. This post isn't meant to be offensive. It's meant to entertain me as I begin to increasingly dread the wilted pity carnation I am sure to be handed by the young men at church this week.

Stipe's not far behind

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Afternoon

1.  Today I smelled some chocolate chip cookies. They smelled like happiness.

2.  The only thing I can officially wear in smaller sizes so far are shoes. It will be nice getting back into my 7 1/2's, baby!

3. I am going to work out tonight. For the third time in less than a week, baby! (note to self: stop adding "baby" to the end of every sentence...baby!)

4. I have stopped reading trashy novels, people. They don't really appeal to me anymore. Mainly because I have transitioned to even more forbidden romances. Gay Amish boys. A werewolf and a vampire. Stories of rakish earls and spirited debutantes aren't thrilling enough. I wonder what the ultimate forbidden romance would be? A gay Amish werewolf and a straight, vegan Agnostic vampire?

5. One could be named Ferdinand. And the other would be Jedidiah.

6. And they could settle on respecting each other's religious views. Sometimes Ferdinand could come to church with Jedidiah..if the Amish were cool with that. But maybe Jedidiah would only tell Ferdinand he was going to hell like once a month, tops.

7. And they could have a car, but only use it on weekends or midnight taco bell runs. And they'd have a cat. And the Ferdinand would agree that the cat could have as much dairy as it wanted.  

8. And they wouldn't eat meat...unless it was a farm animal that Ferdinand took a personal disliking to.

9. Well, Ferdinand wouldn't eat it anyway, because he's a vampire.

This book is writing itself. It kind of feels like the next great American novel already, doesn't it?

Lori Ann

She smiled at me on the subway

To my dear and sweet niece Katherine (also know as Katy, Kat Rat, Ratty, Katy Kat, deal breaker, etc)

Another year has gone by.

Spring is here again and you are 5.

Most days it feels like I just blinked and years have gone by.

There are a lot of things I could say today. So many stories to tell.

From our secret passage walks to evil teddy bears to our youngest child power struggles.

When (or maybe if) you read this years from now, I hope you'll know those stories by heart.

So instead, I will just tell you what I should say every time I see you.

You are beautiful, Katy.

You are so kind.

You never forget anyone.

I am so proud of you.

In the words of Marilla Cuthbert:

"He knew we needed her."

God knew that we needed you, Katy-girl.

Love Always,

Aunt Lori

Who's that casting devious stares in my direction?

You guys..I take WAY too many pictures. And now I have my FAVORITE Monrobie video to date to prove it. 

It's amazing that some movie studio hasn't snapped me up yet. I'm sure they've seen my work by this point. 

Also..before the video, I am officially on Twitter. @lorihinsdale. I'm following the church twitter and all the judges from The Voice. You know..the important people. Look me up, bitches....ummm...my good people. (My nephew James asked me why I curse on my blog. Yikes. Here's to a family friendly Spinster Chronicles!) 

Without further ado...

Lori Ann

Some forever

In a few days, I will write a birthday tribute for this crazy girl. But; in the meantime, here is a (sad but cute) video of my true protege and fellow youngest child- the infamous Katherine Monroe!

Lori Ann

Lann (my kinda tribute to Cjane)

You know how when some people lose weight they start to get a little delusional and get glamour shots and all of that? 

That is so the direction me and this blog are headed in. 

Enjoy these emo inspired self portraits. There is plenty more where this came from:) 

I like this one because this is how I look at my clients when they are talking to me. Vaguely  amused with a hint of poorly concealed rage. 

This is my emo favorite. I wasn't thinking about death or  my anger towards 'the man'. I was thinking more about my sugar free tropical Popsicles. 

This is the day that Danielle flat ironed my hair. My favorite gay boys complimented me on it!! 

Lori Ann