But what it holds for her

The Utah, Idaho, Pennsylvania Years. Ages 18-21.

First the pictures. Then the painful narrative. 

Reading trashy novels and making weird fashion choices. 

My first apartment and roommates. The one with the curly hair was evil!

Tunnel singing with my sister and her friends. Singing church hymns on Sunday night in the tunnels around campus. So much fun. 

First set of Idaho college roommates on one of our many Salt Lake City trips. 

I wish I still had that Beatles shirt. 

One of the best people I have ever met. My roommate Stephanie. She is from Alaska and she taught me the meaning of true charity. 

I left home the day after high school graduation. Literally.

Partly because I wanted to get the heck out of Jersey but partly because my parents were about to move to PA. To a place that didn't necessarily have room for me. 

(though they would have made room if I asked to stay)

I didn't return to Jersey for over 10 years. I had planned to never go back. 

I flew across the country for the second time in my life (my 4th flight overall) and moved in with my sister Danielle in Provo, Utah. She was just finishing her 3rd year of college at BYU and was about to leave for her mission. That summer I brought her mission call down to her at her job at Shirley's bakery. Oh, Shirley's.  She was sent to Montreal, Canada. French speaking!! 

So, I lived with her and found a job at the Food for Less. Best grocery store out west. It's really cheap and everyone has to bag their own groceries. Which, for a former bagger, was pretty epic. 

I reapplied to BYU-Idaho and was accepted for the winter semester. 

Danielle left on her mission and I moved apartments and lived on my own for the first time ever. (well, with 5 roommates- I had 42 college roommates total. Hard to explain unless you go to Mormon school)

I was listening to a lot of U2 and was super patriotic and it was a crazy time in my life. 

I went to Idaho in January. My first semester of college. I had 3 crazy new roommates. Some weekends we took my roommates Janette's car up to Salt Lake City and stayed in my sister Erin's downtown apartment. I think it drove her nuts :) 

Everyone out west is used to driving long distances. Because nothing is close out west. Before I moved out west, the furthest I had ever driven myself was one town over. 

My first year out west I drove between Rexburg Idaho and SLC several times. I went from Provo to Vegas. It was the same year the Dixie Chicks became famous (and there is ALOT of country music out west) and I really identified with that song "Wide Open Spaces".

That summer, after a fairly horrific first semester (I had no discipline and missed so much class), I moved to my parent's house in PA. Well, it was trailer. I don't say this for the shock value or to make any kind of statement. It was all the space my parents (empty nesters at 41 and 47) needed. 

I worked the night shift at Redners Warehouse market. The only job I've ever quit dramatically. 

That story deserves it's own post though. 

I almost didn't go back to school. I couldn't afford it. And it was a hard time in my life. 

Eventually my parents got my sister Erin to agree to let me live with her in SLC for a while. (I will always appreciate how nice my sisters were to let me stay with them. I was INSANE in those days)

I took the train across the country and stayed with Erin for a few months. I donated plasma for money and eventually got a job where Erin worked - a store called JuiceWorks- in the mall. I can still make a great smoothie!

I was listening to a lot of 80's music. That movie Wedding Singer was popular and I would play the soundtrack over and over at the Juice Works.

I went back to school in mid October. (on the block- half semester). I came home for Christmas. It was 1999. Erin and some of her friends and I went to Times Square for New Years Eve Y2K. That was one of the craziest nights of my life :) 

I got back to school and, on January 11, 2000 I broke my leg at 3:30 am while I was walking to work (as an early morning janitor). I broke both left leg bones and had to get surgery and have metal placed in my leg. That leg still hurts whenever the weather changes. 

My mom flew out and helped me get situated so I could stay at school. I took 4 religion classes that semester so I would only have to go to one building. I had to use a wheelchair because there is so much ice in Rexburg and you CANNOT get around on crutches. By this time I had 5 new roommates and was living in the dorms. 

I stayed in Idaho until the end of summer, trying to get my associates degree before leaving. 

I went home in the fall and got my CNA license. I started working in a nursing home and started work on my mission papers. 

I was finally 21 and wanted to serve an LDS mission, like my brother and sister before me. We remain the only 3 grandchildren on either side of the family to serve missions. 

The last Saturday before Christmas in the year 2000, my mission call came in. 

I was called to serve in the Illinois, Chicago mission. Spanish speaking. 

Lori Ann

p.s.- I recognize that this is a little tedious to read. Thanks for hanging in there.

p.p.s.- I spent 10 hours in the office today. I still feel disoriented. 

I am not the kind of girl

The two cutest kats in the world!!

Today was a good day and a bad, bad day.

The bad day part was my appointments.

I; of course, can't talk about my clients.

BUT HOLY HANNAH

I almost didn't make it through this day.

The good day part was a weird mental health breakthrough I had for myself.

So, during a short period of downtime at work, I was walking around the building.

Talking to myself.

Literally.

Smelling the smell of something grilling at the Recovery Center.
(our drug and alcohol treatment center)

Those devils.

And I realized that my body never wants junk. And carbs. And waffle tacos.

It's my brain that wants it.

And since I can't ever feed food into my brain, it will never be satisfied.

So..here is the decision I came to.

When I get off this all liquid diet in 9 days .
(ignoring the 1/2 cup of baked beans and 3 bites of hot dog I ate tonight)

I am going to eat 6 times a day.
(except on major holidays)

3 meals and 3 snacks.

Which is good because it keeps your metabolism revved up.

5 of those times I will be feeding my body.

The stuff it wants.

Vegetables, protein, healthy carbs.

And 1 time every day, I will feed my brain.

Not a lot.

But maybe my last snack of the day will be 3 Hersey kisses.

Or during lunch I will eat a salad with a really good bread stick.

Or have a small bowl of captain crunch for breakfast.

I will never binge feed my brain or give it all it wants.

It won't ever be satisfied no matter how much I dump in there.

But I will have a small portion of something that is psychologically comforting to me.

Of course, this could be a slippery slope for an addict like me.

So, I've got to really mean it.

If I have that 1/2 cup of captain crunch for breakfast then I fed my brain and the rest of my meals and snacks need to feed my body.

And knowing that I can feed my brain again the next day should help me stick to my resolution.

I think this is what weight watchers tries to teach people. You can have a little treat here and there if you plan for it.

But I had to reach this realization on my own.

Wish me luck.

And wish me luck surviving the rest of this liquid diet.

Lori Ann

p.s.- As of today, I've lost a total of 175 lbs. Only 25 to go until we get to the 200 lbs party!!

It never takes too long

*this is a boring, rambling post on my thoughts on food- be warned*

My mom won't let me talk about the waffle taco anymore. 

It's the end of day 3 of my liquid diet and I have been dreaming about waffles. 

I actually ate 1 1/2 boiled eggs today because I felt dizzy and nauseated. Because I was in the steam room for too long at the gym.

Oh, the gym.

I did 3 miles on the treadmill and 9 machines. My body did not want to do it. DID NOT.

I wanted to go home and wrap myself up in a blanket and eat at least 7 waffles. 

For me, I can't have a long term fitness/healthy eating plan. 

I just have to get myself through- one day at a time. :) 

Today was a tough day eating and fitness wise. No health goal seemed more important than the carb laden goodness of a waffle, smothered in syrup and butter. 

My goal in doing this whole liquid diet is to start down the path with sugar that I have been on with soda. 

I was addicted to soda (diet coke in particular) for more than 25 years. I couldn't imagine my life without it. I had a diet coke when I blogged, when I cleaned, when I worked late, when I drove anywhere.  

Now, a year after I gave it up, soda sounds gross to me. Every time I've taken a sip it takes metallic-y and like diet Pepsi. 

I have the occasional glass of ginger ale but even that has lost its appeal.

Now I want that 'yuck I don't need it' philosophy with sugar. 

I will never be one of those health nuts- I love food too much- that's my family culture- but I don't want to NEED sugar. I want to have 2 bite of cake and walk away. Or a small slice of cheesecake. Or, for the love of all that is holy, a small but wonderful waffle taco. :) 

ANYWAY, I promise this blog is not going in weird nutrition and exercise direction. 

I'm just obsessed with food and eating in this moment. 

Lori Ann

p.s.- My sisters have recommended that I rename this blog "The squealer Chronicles" :) 

Never can, never will, so

It just doesn't feel right to me unless I put up some random selfies. This one is in tribute to my new DARK BROWN NOT BLACK hair. Some say it looks goth. In the words of my brother in law- haters gonna hate:)

I am going to do another half marathon on August 24th. I wish they all weren't on Sundays. I sometimes feel like this a moment when I have to choose between a good choice (improving my health and goal setting) and a better choice (being at church to renew my covenants).

Conference was epic.

I used to have a strong desire to be an edgy Mormon. Now I find edgy Mormons to be boring.

Today is day 2 of my no sugar diet. Well, it's actually an all liquid diet. Remember the one my nutritionist approved but I was never able to stick to? That one.

Prepare for rambling posts over the next couple of days as I go into extreme sugar and carb withdrawal :)

I walked 3 miles in the rain this morning. I felt like Joan of Arc. Minus the being burned at the stake thing. And the changing the world thing.

Wish me luck! (my next appointment is here)

Lori Ann

In love with a Jersey girl



The infamous white Prom dress :) 



The New Jersey Years

Here are a few pictures to give you an idea of what kind of crazy fashion choices I was making. 

Some time around 9th grade. I can't decide what is worse- the glasses or the weird pink sweater

I was in choir. Third row up from the bottom on the far right. 

Field hockey. Why do I look so solemn?



Graduation day. I am only 19 lbs heavier now then I was on that day :) 



So..onto the next chapter of my life story. 

We moved to New Jersey when I was almost 13. At the start of 8th grade. 

We lived in a town called North Cape May in my grandfathers house. It was his parents house before him and he had kept it as a shore get away house. 

We lived two blocks from 'the bay'. If you're from Jersey you know what I mean by 'the bay'. It was littered with dead hermit shell crabs, trash, sea weed and jelly fish. One should never swim in the bay. The 'real' beach was one town over, in Cape May. 

But I will always remember living just minutes from the ocean. It was strangely freeing. 

Over the course of the five years I lived in NJ, a lot of things happened. 

We lived in three different places. Moving from North Cape May to Wildwood (for a few months) to a town that is kind of infamous in south Jersey- the Villas. 

I started working at the Acme (grocery store) when I was 15 years old. By my senior year I was working full time and had my own health benefits. 

My mom went to nursing school and became a nurse after years of being a waitress and then a CNA.

I had a lot more interaction with my extended family (mom's side) as most of them live on the Jersey shore. Some of it was very positive and some was very negative. Actually, we lived with my aunt Cheryl and my uncle Ron for a few months each, so we actually lived in 5 places. 

I played field hockey for 3 years. I was a goalie. I was NOT very good but I was so invested in the idea of being in high school sports. 

I was in choir and I tended to gravitate towards 'the smart kids' crowd. I took a lot of AP classes (and got 4s! on my AP tests). I would later discover that most of my 'smart kid' friends were heavy drinkers and/or gay. I was completely oblivious in high school. 

I didn't really hang out with people outside of school. I think graduation night was the first time I spent any time outside of school with my friends. My friends had big plans to have a drinking party down at the beach. It rained though. It was the only time anyone offered me alcohol in high school. Luckily, I didn't have to decide. I'm not sure what 18 year old Lori would have done:) 

My siblings graduated from high school in these years. Jr left for his mission in Las Vegas. Danielle went to college in Idaho. Erin moved to Salt Lake and went to college there. 

I crashed my parents only car driving to the Wawa for diet coke and tasty cakes. 

I had some of the best church friends- we had a million and one sleepovers. Church was a huge part of my life. 

My main activity- besides seminary (early morning scripture study class), school, and work was reading trashy romance novels. I probably read 5 or 6 a week. I used to walk down to the library and buy them by the dozen. I had to hide them because my parents didn't want me reading them. I actually had quite a sophisicated system for smuggling them in which included a hollowed out tree trunk, duct tape, and leaving the house at midnight. :) 

I didn't have a great self image in high school. Who really does? I didn't think about how I dressed and how I wore my hair. Although I was obsessed with lightening my hair. I tried to be blond until I was about 28. Then I embraced the brunette. 

Sometimes I wish I could go and talk to 16 year old Lori. Tell her to be confident in who she is and not worry what other people think or say. To embrace what she likes and to brush her hair every day and to not be such a people pleaser. 

And to hook up with Tyson Rementer.

 (even though he was probably gay- actually, all the more reason to hook up with him!) 

So, those are the Jersey years. There a million stories I could tell. From the Prom Dress Shopping Incident to being a cart doggy to driving my parents car to the BK at age 15. I think everyone has a million stories from those years. 

But we will pick up next on years 18-21. When I lived in Utah, Idaho, and PA. And I didn't get accepted into any of the colleges I wanted to go to. And I took the train across the country. And I broke my leg. And I literally thought it was the end of the world. All before life took me, at age 21, to a little town outside of Chicago, Illinois. 

Lori Ann

Say

Random Saturday Early Evening Thoughts

I have decided to do another half marathon.

It took less than a week for my brain to erase the painful memories of my 1st.

 It won't be until August 24th though.

 That gives me 4 months to train.

 I want to complete it at a 15-16 minute mile pace.
(unless it rains. I will never race in the rain again!)

My mom says I am like a reformed prostitute.

Because I keep trying to get people to do 5ks and races with me. 

I just don't ever want to be as out of shape as I used to be.

 I want to ALWAYS be working towards something.

 I need external motivators because I don't have internal discipline. 

General Conference has been amazing today.

 I feel like every single talk was written for me.

 Especially Elder Holland's.

 It's so true that most people want a comfortable God.

There are days when I want an absent, do whatever you want, everything is ok kind of God.

 But that is not God.

 And He has laws and expectations and the path to Him is not an easy one.

I walked 5 miles today.

My goal mileage for this week is 33.

 Wish me luck!

I went to a conference on Motivational Interviewing.

 It was kind of muddled.

I left with a headache.

 It's a subtle but powerful form of therapeutic practice.

The whole idea is that people are motivated by what they hear themselves say more than what you say to them.

 MI teaches you how to elicit change talk from people. 

I haven't been to the gym in like 2 weeks.

 Mainly because I've been exercising outside.

 But I need to get back on my strength training circuit.

I need to work on my whole body if I want to be at my goal weight by this time next year.  

Race people are so positive.

When I was in the half marathon so many people were encouraging.

 The volunteers and even other runners.

 I was working towards mile 9 and other people were on the other side, going towards mile 11 and they were high fiving me and saying "you go, girl!".

 It made me feel confident that I could do anything. 

I know this post is a little all over the place, weirdly race obsessed and oddly positive.

 I just always feel so inspired after I walk and after General Conference.

 I feel like life is an amazing thing and I want to do so much. 

Hang in there.

 Angry, cynical Lori will be back soon :) 

Lori Ann

p.s.- The memory that I always want to remember from today is of Elly, riding her bike against the wind, wearing several layers of clothing, with her new freckles and her wild blond hair. 

It's my daddy and Nebraska and

Random Wednesday Night Updates

I think I am starting to feel the post race euphoria. I'm starting to forget the cold, my body finally feels 

a little better, and I can't stop thinking "I did a half marathon!" 

My dad called the half marathon the "associates degree" of races. Wanker. 

My sisters have taken to calling me "the squealer". Apparently, I don't keep secrets. They revealed their plan to "set traps" for me to "test my loyalty".  Yes. Being a Hinsdale sister is like being in a gang. My jumping in must have been when Danielle threw that wooden duck at my head. 

I have too much dang Bob Marley on my iTunes. 

(What if some one's not technically a Rastafarian but they've got a couple of Bob Marley albums and one of those hats with dreads attached to it?)

As you may remember from a previous post, I don't listen to Lady Gaga anymore.

 Except "You and I".

 I can't stop listening to it!

I think I might try to get 5 miles in tomorrow.

Or more likely 3 :)  

There was a serious showdown regarding some coconut tasty cakes tonight.

It was epic. :) 

Katy muffin keeps knocking on our door, leaving plastic Easter eggs filled with rocks.

 She clarifies that there are rocks inside because she doesn't have candy.

 She is so genuinely sweet, it's irresistible. 

I have told a number of people that they will be doing the Love Run with me next year.

No one has really said 'yes' but I'm going to take their "umm..I don't want to" as pretty much a yes. 

I never really got to say a huge THANK YOU to Laura.

 We worked together in North Carolina and she came up for my race.

 I was so exhausted and frozen after the race that I went home.

 I wish I had been able to snap out of it long enough to go to lunch or something with her.

 I'm kind of a horrible friend at times. 

It's Conference weekend, baby!!

 I am staying in my pajamas all weekend!!!

I am going to a training in King of Prussia on Friday.

A motivational interviewing training.

 Which sounds weird but it's a cool form of therapy that I want to get better at.

I've conned the old man into driving me!!

I love the way PA people pronounce all of their odd town names. King of Prussia is "Kingaprusha" and Conshohocken is "Con-she" and on and on

That is all the boring life updates I've got for you. 

Don't worry though- tomorrow I will be completing the New Jersey years of my life story.

 You don't want to miss this.

 It's got driving under age, the year I thought the Titanic sank off the Jersey shore, and my high school experience at a place that I still call "slower Lower". :) 

Lori Ann