I hope you think of me

Things I don't want to forget from the week before Easter 2014.

I took Elly to her first gymnastics class on Wednesday night. It was magical. She was literally running around, flapping her arms like she was flying between every different activity.

I, oddly, had an almost mental health breakdown. We got there early and they were super busy and it was almost time for Elly's class to start and I thought they were going to forget us (I had to get her officially signed up, etc) and it made me so sad for Elly that I almost started crying. It just reminded me of feeling forgotten or being excited about something as a kid and then not getting to do it. I never want that for my sister's kids.

I am sort of obsessed with this song.

I thought I was having a heart attack on Thursday night because I had mild chest pain. So, I got changed into something that I wouldn't mind dying in. Any time I've ever had the thought that I might die, my first thought is "I should change into something nicer" :) 

I stayed up late last night (like 10 pm, baby!) watching Twilight, Say Yes to the Dress, and eating candy and olives. You guessed it. My parents weren't home. When they leave home I revert to my 13 year old self. 

I've been thinking about wearing an Easter Hat. Do you think that is the first step in realizing you are middle aged? Thinking about Easter hats??

I've lost a total of 176 lbs. 24 to go until it's 200!!
(I don't think the candy and olives got me any closer)
 (or the giant cheesecake I got for Easter dessert)

I'm struggling with all of this unstructured time. I love 4 day work weeks but it throws me off my routine.

Speaking of which, I have really begun to identify some autism characteristics in myself this week. I really like routine. I don't always know how to maintain social relationships- I wish there were a 'rules of friendship' book I could follow. I prefer solitude for the most part. I have some areas of very rigid thinking and the MOST IMPORTANT, I have sensory issues. There are so many sounds that drive me nuts. Repetitive scraping sounds (like spoons on the bottom of a yogurt container), swallowing, repetitive sneezing, and many, many others. 

Now I'm not just your super hot friend. I'm your super hot with mild autistic qualities friend!!

Lori Ann

Swear they moved that sign

Today has been a weird day.

I only had one evaluation and 3 appointments. But I will have been in the office for close to 10 hours by the time I leave.

That's six hours of free time.

I don't like it.

I normally pray for and dream about hours of free time at work. Time to get organized and get projects done and reorganize my filing cabinet.

And then I got the time today and I couldn't focus. I went from one thing to the next.

I think I kind of like those days when it's one appointment after another. Well, I don't really like them.

I like the structure.

I've realized that I struggle to structure my own time.

That's the reason I make 22 item weekend to do lists. Because without them, I would drift along, getting absolutely nothing done.

I just realized that I didn't really have a list today. (well, beyond my normal work to do list)

Which explains a lot.

I also spent 10 hours doing stuff on Saturday. So, I think my brain needed the day off.

And now I'm listening to Mercy Street by Peter Gabriel on repeat track. 

Sometimes the music I listen to influences the therapy I provide.

Songs like this make me a more depressing therapist :) 

I promise this blog is going to get more exciting soon. 

Lori Ann

p.s.- I'm back on the liquid diet. Which also dulls my brain. Why am I rambling? 

Same as it ever was

The park/playground behind my sister's kids school. You can't really tell but its all rolling hills and farms. :) 

My favorite moments from a crazy Sunday and this weeks goals

I walked over to the park with 3 of my 4 niece and nephews. James abandoned ship, the devil.

 Katy was so funny. She kept telling me that her legs were tired from walking but that they were also getting stronger and she could feel the muscles getting bigger. 

All of my sister's kids have taken to coming over to have my mother dress various 'wounds'. My mother recently bought an industrial sized box of band aids because she was running through them so fast. Anyway, James came over looking for Nana Terry but found just me. I don't think he was satisfied by me smacking a band aid on his foot and then securing it by wrapping it with regular tape a few times. 

My Sunday school class came in and literally screamed "What did you do to your hair?" They don't like the dark brown. They told me it made my face look green. I've gotten a lot negative feedback on the dark brown. It just makes me love it more!

 (because I've got the emotional maturity of a 13 year old)  

While we were walking through the cemetery on the way to the park, the girls and I were talking about the people buried there who died in war. (there are graves that go back through the American Revolution). I was explaining the draft to them and Elly said "You shouldn't have told me that. That scares me".  But she also seemed oddly energized by the prospect of World War 3. 

I love that they are growing up surrounded by so much American History. It's why I will never live long term away from the East Coast. I feel so much at peace living here, wrapped up in my American heritage. 

Anyway, that was today.

My goals for this week are as follows:

Liquid diet Mon-Thurs. (I've only slightly fallen off the wagon this weekend)

Then moderate eating Friday and Saturday. 

Then EASTER!!

Also, I am going to try out a exercise class for the first time in forever tomorrow morning. It's called "Sweat and burn". 

Which scares me a little. 

But all goals should scare you a little. 

Lori Ann

p.s.- The insufferable heat is back. Prepare for my seasonal affective disorder to kick in. I am going to whine until September 1st, baby! 

But what it holds for her

The Utah, Idaho, Pennsylvania Years. Ages 18-21.

First the pictures. Then the painful narrative. 

Reading trashy novels and making weird fashion choices. 

My first apartment and roommates. The one with the curly hair was evil!

Tunnel singing with my sister and her friends. Singing church hymns on Sunday night in the tunnels around campus. So much fun. 

First set of Idaho college roommates on one of our many Salt Lake City trips. 

I wish I still had that Beatles shirt. 

One of the best people I have ever met. My roommate Stephanie. She is from Alaska and she taught me the meaning of true charity. 

I left home the day after high school graduation. Literally.

Partly because I wanted to get the heck out of Jersey but partly because my parents were about to move to PA. To a place that didn't necessarily have room for me. 

(though they would have made room if I asked to stay)

I didn't return to Jersey for over 10 years. I had planned to never go back. 

I flew across the country for the second time in my life (my 4th flight overall) and moved in with my sister Danielle in Provo, Utah. She was just finishing her 3rd year of college at BYU and was about to leave for her mission. That summer I brought her mission call down to her at her job at Shirley's bakery. Oh, Shirley's.  She was sent to Montreal, Canada. French speaking!! 

So, I lived with her and found a job at the Food for Less. Best grocery store out west. It's really cheap and everyone has to bag their own groceries. Which, for a former bagger, was pretty epic. 

I reapplied to BYU-Idaho and was accepted for the winter semester. 

Danielle left on her mission and I moved apartments and lived on my own for the first time ever. (well, with 5 roommates- I had 42 college roommates total. Hard to explain unless you go to Mormon school)

I was listening to a lot of U2 and was super patriotic and it was a crazy time in my life. 

I went to Idaho in January. My first semester of college. I had 3 crazy new roommates. Some weekends we took my roommates Janette's car up to Salt Lake City and stayed in my sister Erin's downtown apartment. I think it drove her nuts :) 

Everyone out west is used to driving long distances. Because nothing is close out west. Before I moved out west, the furthest I had ever driven myself was one town over. 

My first year out west I drove between Rexburg Idaho and SLC several times. I went from Provo to Vegas. It was the same year the Dixie Chicks became famous (and there is ALOT of country music out west) and I really identified with that song "Wide Open Spaces".

That summer, after a fairly horrific first semester (I had no discipline and missed so much class), I moved to my parent's house in PA. Well, it was trailer. I don't say this for the shock value or to make any kind of statement. It was all the space my parents (empty nesters at 41 and 47) needed. 

I worked the night shift at Redners Warehouse market. The only job I've ever quit dramatically. 

That story deserves it's own post though. 

I almost didn't go back to school. I couldn't afford it. And it was a hard time in my life. 

Eventually my parents got my sister Erin to agree to let me live with her in SLC for a while. (I will always appreciate how nice my sisters were to let me stay with them. I was INSANE in those days)

I took the train across the country and stayed with Erin for a few months. I donated plasma for money and eventually got a job where Erin worked - a store called JuiceWorks- in the mall. I can still make a great smoothie!

I was listening to a lot of 80's music. That movie Wedding Singer was popular and I would play the soundtrack over and over at the Juice Works.

I went back to school in mid October. (on the block- half semester). I came home for Christmas. It was 1999. Erin and some of her friends and I went to Times Square for New Years Eve Y2K. That was one of the craziest nights of my life :) 

I got back to school and, on January 11, 2000 I broke my leg at 3:30 am while I was walking to work (as an early morning janitor). I broke both left leg bones and had to get surgery and have metal placed in my leg. That leg still hurts whenever the weather changes. 

My mom flew out and helped me get situated so I could stay at school. I took 4 religion classes that semester so I would only have to go to one building. I had to use a wheelchair because there is so much ice in Rexburg and you CANNOT get around on crutches. By this time I had 5 new roommates and was living in the dorms. 

I stayed in Idaho until the end of summer, trying to get my associates degree before leaving. 

I went home in the fall and got my CNA license. I started working in a nursing home and started work on my mission papers. 

I was finally 21 and wanted to serve an LDS mission, like my brother and sister before me. We remain the only 3 grandchildren on either side of the family to serve missions. 

The last Saturday before Christmas in the year 2000, my mission call came in. 

I was called to serve in the Illinois, Chicago mission. Spanish speaking. 

Lori Ann

p.s.- I recognize that this is a little tedious to read. Thanks for hanging in there.

p.p.s.- I spent 10 hours in the office today. I still feel disoriented. 

I am not the kind of girl

The two cutest kats in the world!!

Today was a good day and a bad, bad day.

The bad day part was my appointments.

I; of course, can't talk about my clients.

BUT HOLY HANNAH

I almost didn't make it through this day.

The good day part was a weird mental health breakthrough I had for myself.

So, during a short period of downtime at work, I was walking around the building.

Talking to myself.

Literally.

Smelling the smell of something grilling at the Recovery Center.
(our drug and alcohol treatment center)

Those devils.

And I realized that my body never wants junk. And carbs. And waffle tacos.

It's my brain that wants it.

And since I can't ever feed food into my brain, it will never be satisfied.

So..here is the decision I came to.

When I get off this all liquid diet in 9 days .
(ignoring the 1/2 cup of baked beans and 3 bites of hot dog I ate tonight)

I am going to eat 6 times a day.
(except on major holidays)

3 meals and 3 snacks.

Which is good because it keeps your metabolism revved up.

5 of those times I will be feeding my body.

The stuff it wants.

Vegetables, protein, healthy carbs.

And 1 time every day, I will feed my brain.

Not a lot.

But maybe my last snack of the day will be 3 Hersey kisses.

Or during lunch I will eat a salad with a really good bread stick.

Or have a small bowl of captain crunch for breakfast.

I will never binge feed my brain or give it all it wants.

It won't ever be satisfied no matter how much I dump in there.

But I will have a small portion of something that is psychologically comforting to me.

Of course, this could be a slippery slope for an addict like me.

So, I've got to really mean it.

If I have that 1/2 cup of captain crunch for breakfast then I fed my brain and the rest of my meals and snacks need to feed my body.

And knowing that I can feed my brain again the next day should help me stick to my resolution.

I think this is what weight watchers tries to teach people. You can have a little treat here and there if you plan for it.

But I had to reach this realization on my own.

Wish me luck.

And wish me luck surviving the rest of this liquid diet.

Lori Ann

p.s.- As of today, I've lost a total of 175 lbs. Only 25 to go until we get to the 200 lbs party!!

It never takes too long

*this is a boring, rambling post on my thoughts on food- be warned*

My mom won't let me talk about the waffle taco anymore. 

It's the end of day 3 of my liquid diet and I have been dreaming about waffles. 

I actually ate 1 1/2 boiled eggs today because I felt dizzy and nauseated. Because I was in the steam room for too long at the gym.

Oh, the gym.

I did 3 miles on the treadmill and 9 machines. My body did not want to do it. DID NOT.

I wanted to go home and wrap myself up in a blanket and eat at least 7 waffles. 

For me, I can't have a long term fitness/healthy eating plan. 

I just have to get myself through- one day at a time. :) 

Today was a tough day eating and fitness wise. No health goal seemed more important than the carb laden goodness of a waffle, smothered in syrup and butter. 

My goal in doing this whole liquid diet is to start down the path with sugar that I have been on with soda. 

I was addicted to soda (diet coke in particular) for more than 25 years. I couldn't imagine my life without it. I had a diet coke when I blogged, when I cleaned, when I worked late, when I drove anywhere.  

Now, a year after I gave it up, soda sounds gross to me. Every time I've taken a sip it takes metallic-y and like diet Pepsi. 

I have the occasional glass of ginger ale but even that has lost its appeal.

Now I want that 'yuck I don't need it' philosophy with sugar. 

I will never be one of those health nuts- I love food too much- that's my family culture- but I don't want to NEED sugar. I want to have 2 bite of cake and walk away. Or a small slice of cheesecake. Or, for the love of all that is holy, a small but wonderful waffle taco. :) 

ANYWAY, I promise this blog is not going in weird nutrition and exercise direction. 

I'm just obsessed with food and eating in this moment. 

Lori Ann

p.s.- My sisters have recommended that I rename this blog "The squealer Chronicles" :) 

Never can, never will, so

It just doesn't feel right to me unless I put up some random selfies. This one is in tribute to my new DARK BROWN NOT BLACK hair. Some say it looks goth. In the words of my brother in law- haters gonna hate:)

I am going to do another half marathon on August 24th. I wish they all weren't on Sundays. I sometimes feel like this a moment when I have to choose between a good choice (improving my health and goal setting) and a better choice (being at church to renew my covenants).

Conference was epic.

I used to have a strong desire to be an edgy Mormon. Now I find edgy Mormons to be boring.

Today is day 2 of my no sugar diet. Well, it's actually an all liquid diet. Remember the one my nutritionist approved but I was never able to stick to? That one.

Prepare for rambling posts over the next couple of days as I go into extreme sugar and carb withdrawal :)

I walked 3 miles in the rain this morning. I felt like Joan of Arc. Minus the being burned at the stake thing. And the changing the world thing.

Wish me luck! (my next appointment is here)

Lori Ann