Only God knows where I've been

And now..after a two month hiatus...on with my life story.

 You can stop holding your breath in anticipation.

 (if you are still alive after holding your breath for two months!)

So, I finished graduate school at age 27 and did what every Masters Educated 27 year old does.

I moved home. 

(my life story is so badass, amirite?)

It took me about a month to find a job and in that month I read every single poem ever written by Emily Dickinson and crossed that off my Bucket List.

 (if you ever want to read about nature and death...look no further)

Nature and Death...and more Nature and Death. 

I started work as a "program specialist" at BARC.

 Which used to stand for "Bucks County Association for Retarded Citizens" before 'retarded' became no longer politically correct. 

I have no idea what it stands for now

I was basically a case manager at a day program for adults with intellectual disabilities. 

Because, as we see throughout my life, I had no plan and just flailed along until I found a job.

This job was interesting, tough, and not what I thought I would be doing. 

I was passing out meds, occasionally helping people in the bathroom, doing a lot of mindless paperwork, holding meeting that served no purpose, working part time in a group home at night, and wondering why I had just gone into so much debt to do this.

I did get to meet one amazing girl though.

 Her name is (or was before she got married) Karen Pepper.

 She later got her doctorate.

 Making her officially Dr. Pepper.

 Coolest thing ever. 

I stole this from her facebook. Like a stalker. 

She only lasted at BARC about a month. It's kind of an intense job.

 My CNA training was the only thing that kept me there for 9 months. 

I was used to the craziness and unrealistic job expectations.

 I am much more uncomfortable in a professional setting than I am in a high stress, running around kind of job.

Anyway, I mention Karen because she is one of the 3 people I have met in my life who REALLY got me.

(yes, I have a list of people. Besides my sisters- who are truly the ONLY people on Earth who completely get me)

She challenged me and made me feel like I was sharpening my brain and my sense of humor with every interaction. 

One thing I do almost every day is feel like I am 'dumbing myself down' or playing a role. I have no idea why.

Maybe because people don't really get me.

 But she did. 

She and I used to talk only in Guns and Roses song lyric quotes around other employees.

They must have thought we were insane. 

Anyway, by this point Danielle and Jack had moved to North Carolina and they had 3 kids.

(this was before the arrival of the infamous Katherine the Great)

I visited them a few times and I missed my niece and nephews so much. 

So, I decided to move down to the South. 

Without a job.

Without a plan. 

With just enough money to last a month or two. 

Other than my mission, it was the best decision I ever made for my life. 

That, though, is the next chapter in this life story.

Lori Ann

A thousand more

I think my bipolar is clearly demonstrated on this blog.

 I am going to use it as evidence when I apply for disability. 

Yesterday I was whining and today I feel happy again.

So, since it's a happy day today I wanted to cover a few more 

moments of perfect happiness

from my life. 

In no particular order, here they are...

The day I left the mission field is moment one.

I knew my mom was going to come get me.

 Chicago isn't that far from PA, maybe a 12-15 hour drive and my parents had not gotten to pick up Danielle or Jr, so my mom said she would come get me.

 Seeing her walk through that door at the mission home was a moment of perfect happiness in my life.

 To be quickly followed by another moment- when my dad surprised me and showed up as well.

 My mom said to go and look outside the door and there he was.

 Within 2 minutes he was lecturing me and giving me life advice.

 After an intense 18 months of not seeing and barely talking to my family, seeing them in that moment was what I bet it feels like when we go home to Heavenly Father.

 Perfect happiness.

Another moment was the day we (the employees of Penn Foundation) toured our new building.

 You all know I love the building I work in.

 Anyway, it was bright and beautiful and then my supervisor pointed me towards me office.

 I've had many "offices"

 (the quotes are necessary)

I think 13 to be exact- starting with my shady half office/half game room at my first internship.

 Most of them were the size of a shoebox and slightly run down.

  Seeing this bright, big office made me feel like I was really an adult.

 Really a therapist.

 Really successful in that I was doing something I loved.

 It was a moment of perfect happiness. 

October 8th, 2002.

 The day after I turned 23, I became an aunt.

 I am so jealous of everyone that gets to be an aunt at a younger age

. Being an aunt is the best thing about my life.

 I didn't know what love really was until October 8th, 2002.

 (Even if I was on a layover in Chicago when Jack Jack was actually born)

And those are today's

moments of perfect happiness. 

We will return to your regularly scheduled whining tomorrow. 

We will also discuss my new plan to give up sugar. 

(as recommended by my nutritionist)

Get ready for the sugar detox. 

It's going to be painful for all of us. 

Lori Ann

How can you say

Random Life Updates on an early Wednesday Morning



The infamous Hinsdale Four



Only one week until this evil group is all back together again!

(I copied it from facebook from my phone-sorry for the background)

I'm going to the movies tonight with my mom and my friends. Yes, I'm 13 again, people!

I have been feeling so run down lately.

 Like just tired all of the time.

 I took the day off yesterday because I had a horrible night and a low grade fever.

 But I kept calling my sister Erin all day going "do you think I have the rep of someone who is always sick?"

 She is always really reassuring.

 "Lor..you are such a narcissist. No one even cares about you calling out"

Danielle and Jack and  their kids are at the beach this week.

 I miss them.

 But I love how much fun they are having.

I am SO SO SO excited for Erin to come home.

 Everything is more fun with Erin here.

I have been off track with my half marathon training since the 13.1 I did last week.

 As in I haven't trained since then:(

 I am ready to get back on track though.

I've been feeling lately like its really time for me to get a handle on my eating.

 It's the one missing piece to a healthier life.

 I've given up soda and serious overeating but I need to give up sugar and snacks.

That's my next step.

I changed my insurance (due to it going up over a hundred a month- thanks, Obamacare) and now I have the high deductible plan.

 Last night my meds (3 scripts) cost me 114.

 Holy Hannah.

 You just can't win, people!

I need to find a way to get excited about my job again.

 I think it's been contributing to my burnout.

 I've been praying for more compassion and ways to find the strength to do this job.

 There are days I dream of having a manual labor job that doesn't require me to think or care.

I think part of my nature is to just never be really happy.

 I think I like existing in a state of semi-unhappiness.

ANYWAY

Today is going to be a good day.

 I'm done work at 4.

 I'm going to the movies.

 Then I'm getting all of my cleaning projects done because I don't have to be back to work until 12 :)

Wish me luck!!

Lori Ann

Dark the stars



My sister

Yesterday I had to speak in church.

For those of you non-mormons (you know who you are), a little explanation is probably in order.

Mormons don't have a pastor in the traditional sense.

One man (or woman) that gets up and preaches from the pulpit.

Instead all members of the church (usually 12 and older) are asked to speak at different times.

 I usually end up speaking about once a year.

You are given a topic (or sometimes you are encouraged to be inspired to think of one) and then you have about 15 minutes to speak to the whole congregation.

Yesterday my topic was sister missionary work.

As Mormons (or members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) we are asked to become missionaries.

 Jesus was a missionary for the last 3 years of his life.

 One of our primary directives as Christians is to share the word of God with others.

In other words, we are those annoying people who knock on your door when you are trying to sleep in on Saturday mornings.

 (we know you are there, so don't try to hide..we'll just keep knocking!)

I never thought of serving a mission.

 It has always been very optional for girls.

 For young men it's seen as a commandment, but for sisters (or women) it's always been a "if you want to" kind of deal.

I didn't want to.

I don't like to get out of my comfort zone.

I don't like wearing dresses.

But then my sister Danielle got her mission call to Montreal, Canada.

And I knew, in that moment, that I would serve.

I served a mission in Chicago Illinois from 2001-2002.

When I was 21 and 22 years old.

(I talk about it in my life story blog posts..which I do plan on finishing, by the way) 

Hardest, craziest, longest, shortest, most incredible, most intensely depressing, most rewarding time of my life.

In my talk I discussed how; in those 18 months of my life, I learned more than I have ever learned before or since.

More than anything else I learned to be fearless.

And I have my sister Danielle to thank for that.

She was the first sister missionary our family (entire extended family) had ever had.

If she hadn't served first, I would never have had the motivation or bravery to serve myself.

She, unlike me, has always been fearless.

She made me realize that you don't know the impact your life will have on others.

She literally changed my life.

Without my mission, I would likely not have finished college, much less graduate school.

Would not have had the bravery to live in so many different states.

Go to Europe.

 Get my clinical licensure.

Run a half marathon.

(ok, walk most of it)

Go after my dreams. 

Everything brave about me, I owe to her.

So, even though it's not your birthday and I know you hate this sentimenal crap...

Thanks, Moses.

You are everything I wish I could be.

Lori Ann 

(peanut butter jelly)

 P.S.

On an unrelated side note, my mother has been having crazy sleepovers and summer projects with my sisters kids.

Like these 'panda bear cupcakes' that she and Katy were making to try and alleviate world wide poverty.

They made 6 dollars.
(probably mostly from their favorite "customer" Grandpa- who spent 20 dollars at the last lemonade stand)

 I'm not sure how much has made it to the poor so far.

I'm surrounded by craziness.

This is your song

Random highlights from the last 24 hours 

(The "I'm blogging to avoid cleaning" Edition)

Last night and this morning have been busy.

We had our annual church Spaghetti Dinner and Dessert Auction.

(it's the only fundraiser we do all year. It's to help the youth program raise funds for their activities)

I got to spend the first part of the evening with my family and the rest of the night in a wild and crazy sleepover with Miss Elizabeth Mae Monroe.

Here are the highlights!! 

(Completely out of order)

Our sleepover.

We ate popcorn, watched Peppa Pig and Say Yes to the Dress and had the best time.

We made rainbow pancakes for everyone!

We're both kind of obsessed with sparklers.

So we did like 5 packs at 10 pm.

Because we're gangster like that.

Then we chased fireflies and made even more secret plans.
 (Elly and I are big on secret plans!)

I know I take too many pictures.

 But before I lost weight, I never took pictures with the kids.

 I am kind of trying to make up for it now.

 So, I go a little overboard at times:)  

Earlier in the night we ran over to Richlandtown and got ice cream at my friend Michele's AWESOME restaurant.

 Then we met her dogs, bird, daughters (minus one), talked about underwear and massages and sexual dsyfunction.

You know, normal casual visit conversation:)

Coolest friends ever!

This blurry picture represents the best moment of the night.

 My nephew Jack made a homemade chocolate cake for the dessert auction.

It made more money than any other dessert!!

My mom bought it after getting into a bidding war.

 It was one of the coolest moments ever to see her standing up yelling "100 dollars".

 I think Jack Jack will always remember that.

So, all in all, a very fun Friday night and Saturday morning.

Now, off to my cleaning projects..

Lori Ann

13.1

Today is a day that will live in infamy, people.

The day I walked 13.1 miles by choice.

Let me run you through all of this.

It's an emotional journey, so you may want to strap yourselves in.

(this is a long rambling post- be warned!)

Let's start with how I didn't even really want to get out of bed.

My bed is really insanely comfortable.

 It cost me 1600.

The most expensive thing I own.

 Well, besides two college degrees.

ANYWAY

So, I didn't want to get out of bed

I'm back in that phase of thinking of reasons to call out every morning.

But then remembering that I hate to be at home and spend all day thinking about my work and harassing my coworkers by text anyway.

So, my dad dropped me off at work about 6 hours early (Monday and Thursday are my 'late' days) and I started walking.

I knew I wanted to try for the 13.1. I packed two waters and my music and off I went.

I walked to the top of this ginormous hill (which was around mile 2.5) and ran into one of my coworkers, who cheered me on!

So, I was feeling pretty good at this point.

The little town I walk through is called Sellersville and it was founded in 1738.

 It has all of these old stone churches, which I love.

I saw this one around mile 4 or so.

Still feeling (mostly)ok.

By the time my phone died at mile 12.6 I was no longer ok.

And here is where the emotional journey part comes in.

 I am going to walk you through my mental state at each mile of the 13.1 journey.

 Think of it as a weird form of stream of conscientious poetry.

 Only much more painful.

Let's do this!

Mile 1- "Yay, one mile down! We can do this!"

(I'm singing along in my head to my music, feeling like an empowered feminist who can conquer the world)

Mile 2- "Ok, it seemed to take a while to get here, but that's two miles! We are on our way!"

 (I'm already imagining the emotional scene of completing 13.1 and what everyone will say to me)

Mile 3- "I feel kinda of overheated"

(This is where my mind really wanders. I mentally envision things like myself running for senate and what my campaign song would be. It's always a Salt and Peppa song)

Mile 4- "You know, 5 miles is a great accomplishment. Let's just do 5. Why do you set these crazy goals?"

(This is where I hit my first real mental wall and usually stop for water and whining)

Mile 5- "Is that a blister?I shouldn't keep walking on a blister!..oh..it's just a rock. But it COULD become a blister"

(This is what I call the bargaining mile- telling myself all the reasons why it's probably just better to stop now)

Mile 6- "Hummm"-

(I've zoned out again for this mile. Now I am saying overly loud "good mornings" to all the older men I pass on the trail and noting anything out of place in case there has been a murder and I have to tell police the details of what I noticed on the trail) 

Mile 7- "Half way!"

( I get a mild half way done buzz and start thinking of myself like some amazing woman. Like Eleanor Roosevelt or that girl who still surfs with only one arm)

Mile 8- "No. Just No."

(This mile usually finds me taking another water break and starting to feel angry. Mile 8 is ALWAYS my biggest mental wall. I do NOT want to keep going and 5 more miles sounds like FOREVER)

Miles 9-11 "I hate everything"

(These are the miles where I begin to hate everything. The trees, the other people on the trail, myself, whatever random treat I've been mentally bribing myself with "Why do I even eat skittles? They are horrible and I hate them!"- I recognize I am experiencing irrational hatred but can't stop myself from ranting. Mostly mentally. Occasionally verbally.)

Mile 12- "hey, little guy. What are you up to?"

(This is the mile where I start talking to the little woodland creatures I see. And my hands are kind of twirling around . I feel apathetic and mildly nauseated but like life is ok. It's ok if this walk never ends because whatever.)

Last mile- "Never again."

 (I chant these words to myself over and over and over and crown myself with official martyr status)

Laying on the floor in my office after I'm done.

 (after washing myself down in the bathroom, changing into work clothes, blow drying my hair, and eating a handful of skittles and drinking about a gallon of water)

"LIFE IS AMAZING! I am going to do that again tomorrow! Now let me go blog about this..."

Sorry for the long, rambling narrative.

 Telling myself I was going to blog about the experience was one of the mental tricks I used to keep myself going through all of the miles :)

13.1, baby!!!

Lori Ann

(two time half marathoner- only one official, of course)

It's my life

Things that are making me so very happy about my life at this moment

Spending time with this sassy pants.

 We are having a sleepover tonight and it's going to be WILD. Like getting arrested wild.

(If I don't fall asleep by 8 pm)

One of me and Elly's 'secret projects'

. She made me pinky swear and do some elaborate lip sealing ceremony related to this secret.

 I miss being 8 sometimes.

After my shower, I wanted to run around and get ready and do my hair..but NO.

That is when the Sugar cookie wants to come and lay right next to me for a full half hour.

I love it.

She is such a sweet cat.

(when she is not fighting in the woods, eating strange things, hooped up on cat nip, or scratching me up so bad I look like a cutter)

I am trying to thank God every day for the many, many, many blessings in my life.

I have a job that I love.

(most days)

I have a healthier body and motivation to keep going with my fitness goals.

I have an amazing, supportive family.

I get to see my sister Erin this month!

Summer is only 7 more weeks.

 (Ugh..7 more weeks.)

I just got a raise.

I'm going to Michigan this summer for the first time in 20 years.

I've got amazing, funny, really seriously wonderful friends.

(who listen to me whine, support all of my crazy goals, and let me prank call them) 

And, most importantly,  I'm really, really hot.

So, there is a lot to be thankful and happy about.

I love my life in this moment.  

Lori Ann