Narcissism is real, yo

There is very little I enjoy more than talking about being a therapist.

Maybe because I feel like it sounds just a little smug and pretentious.

And I love being thought of as smug and pretentious :)

But the weird reality for me is, that after all this work and all these years of school, I don't know if this is really the long term career for me. (I am glad this blog is private..my boss does not need to read this!)

Not that I have any plans to leave my job in the near future.

There are alot of things I really love about it.

My coworkers.

Most of my clients.

Not having to slave away in the hot sun.

The (fairly) decent paycheck.

The treat table.. my gosh, the treat table.

Here are my issues:

1. I am not an exceptionally compassionate person. At least not for as many people as I would need to be to do this job for the rest of my life.

2. I don't believe in half of the mental health diagnoses. It's not that I don't believe my clients are struggling and need help- it's just that I feel like people get a diagnosis and wear it like a shield and it doesn't help them- I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I am bipolar, I can't control this or that..." Half the time I want to get rid of some one's diagnosis, rather than give them one.

3. I am very outcome oriented. It's why I chose to practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's a goal based, short term therapy where you should see progress every week. (Not that it always works that way) Therapy's outcomes are frequently too nebulous for me to really feel like I'm doing something productive and meaningful. I like to see a finished product. It's why I love cleaning and organizing.

4. I don't have a natural instinct for connecting with people and understanding what they are conveying. I see it in some of the other therapists here. My sister Erin is the best at it I have ever seen. I can say like 10 minutes of rambling things to her and she is able to get to my exact point and understand me like I didn't even understand myself. It's something I wish I had. Like great musical talent. I can appreciate it and want it, but the natural ability escapes me.

5. I struggle with boundaries. I have gotten better over the years (you should have seen me 5 years ago) but it's hard for me not just let my clients call me 24/7, do things for them they should do for themselves, tell them what they want to hear when they are sad. Boundaries are healthy and important and I'm not helping them by not setting them.

6. When I think about doing this for the rest of my life, I feel tired. Not inspired, or excited, or impassioned. Just tired.

I don't know where this leaves me.

Some of this might be coming from the fact that I tend to switch jobs every 2 years or so and I am coming up on my 2 year mark here.

I think I get restless.

I thrive with change.

We'll see what happens.

My next client is here.

Lori Ann

It's not a dream

More Random Life Updates

The "It's Thursday and my adult group starts tonight and I'm not ready at all. Except for the cookies. I've got the cookies" Edition

Sugar's cat bed has officially been moved to the end of my bed.

I think that is what they call "Level 3" in the crazy cat lady hierarchy.

The next level is where we eat from the same dinner plate.

Then we start dressing alike.

I hope she likes over sized shirts and wrinkly skirts and flats.

I have been watching THIS video with Danielle's kids.

It's probably boring to anyone but us but my nieces and nephews love it.

There are moments when I really feel like the miniature versions of them are still out there somewhere.

Jack Jack is almost taller than my mom.

Yikes.

As mentioned yesterday, I haven't been training lately.

BUT..goal setter that I am,(though not always goal accomplisher) I have set a goal to complete 60 miles before the next halfie (in exactly 16 days and 21 hours).

 Which might not sound that stressful but I am going on 'vacation' for about 5 of those days.

By 'vacation' I mean the pilgrimage to Michigan.

Get ready for me to WAY overgram that car ride and visit.

(I am going to the lower right palm area of Michigan, by the way- just under the thumb!)

My adult social skills group starts back up tonight.

We've got some new members.

But more are welcome.

If you are concerned about your social skills, please join us tonight at 7:30 pm.

We're in the conference room of the Blue Wing.

(The rival wing to my wing- the Red Wing- we just lost our psychiatrist but we have some experts in BPD so we can still kick the Blue Wing's trash!)

Anyway

There will be cookies.

And one socially inept group leader.

T minus 11 hours until I am back in bed.

With the Sugar Cookie sleeping at the end :)

Wish me luck!

Lori Ann

p.s.- My parents have recently gotten into some serious home renovation.

I told them it was getting too fancy for me there and I might have to move out.

 Weirdly enough, they didn't seem that distressed by this idea.

 They were probably just hiding their tears behind those smiles and nods of encouragement, right? :)

I want to be sedated

 Lori Ann's Random Thoughts

The "Its the middle of the day Wednesday and I am already tired and angry" Edition!

Let's do this dance!

1. It was my sister Danielle's birthday yesterday. I've really been working on trying to give people what they want. So, in her honor, there was NO tribute post. I know she despises them.

 (But happy birthday anyway and you are an amazing sister!!)

2. I have over 900 posts on this blog. Holy Hannah..900 posts of insanity.

3. I have not done any training for almost 3 weeks. Because my half marathon is in less than 3 weeks and that's how I roll. I am not motivated until I am in crisis. This one might kill me. If so, remind my mother that I want my ashes spread over the Qmart and a store bought cake brought to my gravesite every year on my birthday. And all other major holidays.

(NO ONE eats the cake. Just leave it there and don't ask any questions) 

4. Speaking of which, I am eating like a college student. Yesterday I had popcorn for lunch. Today I had easy mac. Next on my list...ramen. No. Yuck. Maybe I will be a real adult and pack something tomorrow.

5. I am kind of obsessed with my sister's new cat. I say multiple times a day "I want that ginger cat!"

Look at this thing!

But then I remember that I've got this crazy thing...

My Sugar Cookie!

And I feel happy again.

6. One week until we leave for Michigan! And I can accomplish my bucket list goal of leaving flowers on my dad's parents graves. (as I did not attend either of their funerals). We are going to try and find my Uncle Ray's grave as well.

My next client will be here in 28 minutes.

Peace out, girl scouts!

Lori Ann

(Younger sister of the infamous, now 29 year old Danielle Christian!)

My brother Numsey has forgiven me

It's my brother's birthday today.

Jr was a helpless captive amidst the evil Hinsdale sister triangle

David Allen Hinsdale Jr is 38 years old today.

My mom was telling me that he was born at 3:09 am in Bridgeton Hospital, in Bridgton NJ.

My mom went into labor with him when her mom was driving her to the courthouse to pay off some of my dad's traffic tickets.

She was apparently in labor for a number of hours before they realized he was going to be too big and she then had the first of what would later be 4 c-sections in less than 4 years. 

My mom remembers that first thing my dad said to her upon seeing his first born.

"I hope he can run fast"

"Why?"

"Because he is so ugly he is going to have to" 

I don't think my mom was amused :) 

He inspires me by what a good uncle he is to our nieces and nephews.

David (whom we didn't start calling 'Jr' until his mid twenties) has always been an inspiration to me.

He served 27 months as a missionary for our church.

He graduated college.

He got his black belt in Tykwando.

He has lived on his own in different states.

He is a wonderful uncle.

Sometimes, when I have clients or friends, who talk about how hard life is for them with their mental health issue or how they are owed something (disability benefits or whatever) it kind of makes me angry.

If my brother can accomplish all that he has and be such a good person, there is no one that can't accomplish what they set their mind to.

Thanks for being the best big brother a girl could ask for, Jr.

Your favorite youngest sister

Lumpo

Til eternity passes away

The captain himself

You know when you have that friend that wants to tell you all about their fascinating dream from the night before and you feel like you are slowly dying on the inside?

Yeah, this is going to be just like that. Except written on my blog :) 

We had a member of our church die this past week. 

It's a really tragic story and it's not mine to really tell so I guess the respectful thing to do is not go into details. 

I might have been thinking about this when I feel asleep last night because I dreamed that my dad died. 

It was a really long dream, where I felt like 2 days had passed and I kept thinking "Maybe I will wake up and this won't be real"

I felt such an intense rush of relief when I woke up and realized it WASN'T real. 

I can't imagine my life without my dad- his directions written on paper plates, his knowledge about everything and anything, his ridiculous sense of humor. 

As sad a comparison as it is, this dream gave me some empathy for this girl in our church who lost her husband.

She was probably waking up today hoping it was all a horrible dream too. 

I know God has a plan for our lives and He is there for us, even when it seems like things happen for no reason or when bad things happen to good people. 

Some things are just so sad and hard to understand though. 

Lori Ann

About the South Lands

And now..on with my riveting life story.

The final chapter.

(because everything else is on this blog)

So, I am 28 years old.

Moving from my parents house in PA to Reidsville, North Carolina.

I, as previously mentioned, did not have a job or a place to live.

But I had a dream.

Yuck.

 No, I did not.

 I just said that to seem more inspirational than I am.

ANYWAY

So, I get down South and I think I lasted about 2 nights staying with my sister.

My mom (who came down with me) eventually kicked me out of my sister's house for "holding the whole family hostage with my tooth pain".

Whatever that means.

(I think it means that I was literally whining and crying incessantly about how much my tooth hurt) 

It's the first and last time I've ever been kicked out of anywhere.

I felt so badass in that moment.

By this time I had procured my shady little apartment on Main Street.

Erin came with me to the Walmart at midnight that night and helped me get some essentials- air mattress, dishes, some food- I was also obsessed with getting a toilet bowl cleaner.

 Not sure why in retrospect.

I moved into my apartment and within 2 weeks (with the help of my sister Danielle) found a job.

At Youth Haven.

I will never talk bad about Youth Haven.

Well, actually I will and have on repeated occasions, especially on this blog.

The company itself was amazing.

My coworkers and the work itself- kind of insane.

There was politics and backstabbing and coupe de graces and I had 11 different offices and 4 different jobs over 3 years.

I had a supervisor who made me cry but refused to offer me tissues because "that would presume that he thought my crying was not ok" (he told me never to offer a crying client tissues- a rule I break daily) and then he would show me odd videos on youtube.

I had a coworker who; the week I lost my voice, declared in front of the whole office- "This is the greatest week of my life!"

I learned what 'slow hoeing" means.

 (Don't google it!)

I drove around Rockingham County North Carolina in my red focus (after the Altima died an untimely death) at all hours of the night.

I ate WAY too much fast food.

I got involved in breaking up fights, buying client's clothes, helping people leave their spouses, cat exchanges at midnight, and every other strange thing that occurs in the trenches of social work.

Plus, on top of that, I was spending the most time I ever had with my nieces and nephews.

Those are some of my most cherished memories.

The rubber duck regatta.

The cookie baking parties.

The formation of the Secret Club.

The trips to the park in a torrential downpour.

The game nights.

The time Danielle and I tried to tire her kids out by paying them in m and m's to run around the whole yard.

(Didn't work).

The time I locked Elly in her room for screaming and she ended up using the bathroom in a wicker basket.

I think the word "Chaos" best depicts my life in the South.

And "Fried Food" and "Barely concealed Racism" and "Cut on the Lights" and "The War of Northern Aggression" and "Alcohol at the Company Christmas Party".

I learned alot in my 3 years in the South.

I got my clinical licensure.

I lived on my own in that state for a full year.

I learned how to do things for myself.

Like brave the shady laundry mats.

And get my car fixed.

And how to make bread.

And how to decorate my very own Christmas Tree.

I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

That being said, I won't be moving back to the South.

Nothing but PA feels like home.

So...this is where my life story posts end.

This blog picks up in the middle of my time down South and so you people know the story from there.

Consider yourselves blessed.

Everyone else is going to have to pay for my autobiography and you've all gotten it for free.

Lori Ann

p.s.- I named Sugar after my time in the South. In the South, the word Sugar is kind of interchangeable for "love". :)

Ain't no Sunshine

The Orange Menace. Also known as my niece Katy's new cat. It's name changes every hour. Here are the names it has had so far:

Gizmo

Aysreal

Cutie Pie

Adorable

Elsa

Sweet Potato

Ginger

Spice

Nutmeg

Hobbes

Salty Devil

And I am sure there are others that I don't even know about.

This thing is going to have identity issues.

Erin is leaving today.

Life is so much less fun when Erin leaves. 

She made us all "sit out on the stoop Northeast Philly style" last night.

Where she proceeded to tell more FALSE stories about me sexually harassing her.

 (which doesn't sound funny but is when she says it)

She encouraged our nieces and nephews to steal my dad's cookies.

("They are right next to him and he's sleeping..go get them!")

She ranted about how the news is always on at my parents house.

She discussed how she thinks me and my dad should have our own club.

Called the "socially inappropriate addicts" club.

She cackled over me getting in trouble with my mother.

Which Danielle high fived her over.

"Lor, you never get in trouble. It's nice to see"

While she has been here the following things have happened:

Attempted theft

("where does Dad keep his bolt cutters?")

Politically correct dinner parties

("I think the Palestinians have a good argument")

Battle of the Pizza nights

("I told mom that I want East Coast pizza, NOT pizza hut!")

Various drug interventions

("Lor..are you a meth addict?")

Cat rescues

("She was opening all the cages, going crazy!")

Crappy movies/Camp memories

(" So, then in the arts and crafts cabin..")

Fashion reality checks

("Why do you like tight, black clothes? I'm just saying..")

Cat spoiling

("Thomas is just so pretty. He can't help it, he's so precious")

And a million more festive moments

 I am going to miss her.

Erin is always the missing piece in our lives.  

Since she is going home (and I have run out of excuses) I have decided that now is FINALLY the time to get focused on my training.

So, prepare for long rambling posts about how bad my feet hurt.

3 weeks and 5 days until my next halfie!

Lori Ann

(favorite sister of Erin Leigh)