About a beautiful boy who died

I am back from Michigan, people. 

It was an epic trip. 

Which would be impossible to completely cover in one blog post.

Well, I could do it but I have a feeling it would be one of those posts. 

You know the ones I am talking about. 

Where people have like 19 family pictures and they are talking about this great uncle's cousin and you start skimming really fast through the pictures and wondering if post secret has been updated lately. 

Or what you want for lunch. 

So, in order to save us all from extreme "I don't know these people, nor do I care" type boredom, I am going to just mention the highlights over the course of a few posts. 

Brace yourselves.

The Midwest just got really, really interesting. 

The number one highlight from my trip (in my mind at least) was this. 

We found my uncle's grave.

 My dad hasn't seen it in over 60 years.

 My mom saw it 35 years ago.

Just as a refresher, my dad's oldest brother was hit by a car at age 4 and died. 

My dad was born about 10 months later. 

My grandmother never got over his death and eventually couldn't even go to his grave site. 

I, of course, am all for seeing graves and dramatically leaving flowers and saying prayers. 

My dad is very different. 

He spent about an hour cleaning up the headstone.

 Removing the overgrown grass, scrubbing it down with a brush, pouring water over it, creating a planter space for the flowers we brought. 

 

My father is such an example for me of true charity. 

He didn't stare at the grave in silent reflection.

 He cleaned it up, removed about 30 years worth of dirt and dust, and made it shine. 

I kept thinking that his mother would have been so happy to see him watching out of for his big brother. 

So, while there were a lot of cool things from this trip- including crossing this off my bucket list

Leave flowers at the grave of my Grandpa and Grandma Hinsdale

Finding my Uncle Ray was the highlight of my trip.

 I'll never forget that moment.

I love that his grave is shaded by a pine tree.

I love that it's in a little, quiet town.

I am so happy my dad got to see it.

It was my dad's birthday when we found it.

I remember the first time I looked for my uncle online.

I couldn't find any record of him having ever lived and I looked for days.

And then I found him.

On March 15th.

His birthday.

God works in mysterious ways.

But He is a God of miracles and a God of families and I know that more today than ever before.

Lori Ann

p.s.- Up next- the Flight 93 memorial and running into the Amish. And a bus called 'Special Ed's' that sells donuts. And my concerns about why they haven't been shut down by the department of health. 

You just bought your expulsion papers, Nwanda

I am not normally one to jump on the social media bandwagon.

Like, when a celebrity dies, I'm not all "He was my favorite actor, I'm so sad".

But for Robin Williams I will make an exception.

Two of his movies changed the direction of my life and how I see life in general.

The first being Dead Poet's Society.

If you haven't seen, I can't recommend it enough.

Everything he says is so powerful and it makes you want to live life to the fullest.

I can't tell you how many times I've quoted this movie to my clients.

I always tell them that Robin Williams was quoting Thoreau or someone and he said

"Most men live lives of quiet desperation. Don't be resigned to that'.

I have seen that movie a hundred times.

It's what inspired me to write my first bucket list. 

And then, later, Good Will Hunting.

This movie means a lot to me as a therapist.

I've often wished (as I think every therapist does) that I could have moments like he had with Matt Damon in that movie.

Where he is telling "It's not your fault" over and over.

And Matt Damon breaks down.  

Of course, I haven't had those exact moments.

But I've seen clients have mental and emotional break throughs.

And it felt just as powerful.

And I've (honestly) tried to channel that intensity that he showed in his depiction of his character when I am talking to my clients who are going through a rough time.  

So, even though I don't think I have ever talked about Robin Williams on this blog before

He has changed my life in amazing ways. 

And he will be greatly missed.

I know he has found peace with Heavenly Father.

I know that we all go home to His arms.

It's moments like this that I feel deep sadness for those without faith.

It's such comfort in times like these.

Lori Ann

Para proclamar la luz

Random Monday Morning Updates

The "Two Day Work Week" Edition!

I only have to work Monday and Tuesday this week.

It almost makes me cry when I think about it 

Now...just to get through these two days...

Here are some highlights from my crazy weekend.

Not like "kegger, got matching tattoos with a homeless man, set something on fire" kind of crazy.

More like "stayed up until 10 pm, watched only 9 hours of news, and spied on the cats" kind of crazy.



It's hard to tell because they DO blend into the seventies style couch- but this is Thomas and Sugar.

 Fighting to the death.

 Well..actually just until they got bored and moved on.

 

We made fishing lines in my sunday school class and talked about how crabs are the bad friends in life.

 The overall message- avoid crabs.

 Too bad this lesson came too late for me :)

  

I never realized the hideousness of my un- pedicured feet until I took this picture.

 NASTY.

 Also, there is the broken toe.

 There has been some debate regarding whether or not it is truly broken.

 I don't care what the x-rays say.

 In my heart, it's broken!



The ginger cat has an official name!

 Hobsy Adorable Monroe.

 (Still called 'the ginger cat' by most)



I FINALLY got into the pool.

 For the first time this summer.

 I got to chill with some really cool girls.

 Who showed me up with their pool tricks, their great cooking, and their general awesomeness.

 I am so moving into this pool for the rest of the summer.

 Be warned, Gridas!

 

Elly is my action shot queen.

I went out with the sisters again this weekend.

I am translating for them as they are teaching a Hispanic man about the gospel.

My spanish is so much better when I am talking about religious things.

I know every word.

(this is going to sound so pretentious- but you know I like to sound pretentious- there are actually some religious words that I ONLY know in spanish- weird, eh?)

When I have clients who speak spanish, I am struggling because the mission never taught me how to say

" Patterns of dsyfunctional thinking usually start in early childhood"

It did teach me how to say

"Mira, Paco..las misionaras estan aqui para ensenarte.

 No porque quieres ver ninas bonitas y discutir acerca de la traduccion de la Biblia"

Seriously, though.

Lori Ann

Narcissism is real, yo

There is very little I enjoy more than talking about being a therapist.

Maybe because I feel like it sounds just a little smug and pretentious.

And I love being thought of as smug and pretentious :)

But the weird reality for me is, that after all this work and all these years of school, I don't know if this is really the long term career for me. (I am glad this blog is private..my boss does not need to read this!)

Not that I have any plans to leave my job in the near future.

There are alot of things I really love about it.

My coworkers.

Most of my clients.

Not having to slave away in the hot sun.

The (fairly) decent paycheck.

The treat table.. my gosh, the treat table.

Here are my issues:

1. I am not an exceptionally compassionate person. At least not for as many people as I would need to be to do this job for the rest of my life.

2. I don't believe in half of the mental health diagnoses. It's not that I don't believe my clients are struggling and need help- it's just that I feel like people get a diagnosis and wear it like a shield and it doesn't help them- I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I am bipolar, I can't control this or that..." Half the time I want to get rid of some one's diagnosis, rather than give them one.

3. I am very outcome oriented. It's why I chose to practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's a goal based, short term therapy where you should see progress every week. (Not that it always works that way) Therapy's outcomes are frequently too nebulous for me to really feel like I'm doing something productive and meaningful. I like to see a finished product. It's why I love cleaning and organizing.

4. I don't have a natural instinct for connecting with people and understanding what they are conveying. I see it in some of the other therapists here. My sister Erin is the best at it I have ever seen. I can say like 10 minutes of rambling things to her and she is able to get to my exact point and understand me like I didn't even understand myself. It's something I wish I had. Like great musical talent. I can appreciate it and want it, but the natural ability escapes me.

5. I struggle with boundaries. I have gotten better over the years (you should have seen me 5 years ago) but it's hard for me not just let my clients call me 24/7, do things for them they should do for themselves, tell them what they want to hear when they are sad. Boundaries are healthy and important and I'm not helping them by not setting them.

6. When I think about doing this for the rest of my life, I feel tired. Not inspired, or excited, or impassioned. Just tired.

I don't know where this leaves me.

Some of this might be coming from the fact that I tend to switch jobs every 2 years or so and I am coming up on my 2 year mark here.

I think I get restless.

I thrive with change.

We'll see what happens.

My next client is here.

Lori Ann

It's not a dream

More Random Life Updates

The "It's Thursday and my adult group starts tonight and I'm not ready at all. Except for the cookies. I've got the cookies" Edition

Sugar's cat bed has officially been moved to the end of my bed.

I think that is what they call "Level 3" in the crazy cat lady hierarchy.

The next level is where we eat from the same dinner plate.

Then we start dressing alike.

I hope she likes over sized shirts and wrinkly skirts and flats.

I have been watching THIS video with Danielle's kids.

It's probably boring to anyone but us but my nieces and nephews love it.

There are moments when I really feel like the miniature versions of them are still out there somewhere.

Jack Jack is almost taller than my mom.

Yikes.

As mentioned yesterday, I haven't been training lately.

BUT..goal setter that I am,(though not always goal accomplisher) I have set a goal to complete 60 miles before the next halfie (in exactly 16 days and 21 hours).

 Which might not sound that stressful but I am going on 'vacation' for about 5 of those days.

By 'vacation' I mean the pilgrimage to Michigan.

Get ready for me to WAY overgram that car ride and visit.

(I am going to the lower right palm area of Michigan, by the way- just under the thumb!)

My adult social skills group starts back up tonight.

We've got some new members.

But more are welcome.

If you are concerned about your social skills, please join us tonight at 7:30 pm.

We're in the conference room of the Blue Wing.

(The rival wing to my wing- the Red Wing- we just lost our psychiatrist but we have some experts in BPD so we can still kick the Blue Wing's trash!)

Anyway

There will be cookies.

And one socially inept group leader.

T minus 11 hours until I am back in bed.

With the Sugar Cookie sleeping at the end :)

Wish me luck!

Lori Ann

p.s.- My parents have recently gotten into some serious home renovation.

I told them it was getting too fancy for me there and I might have to move out.

 Weirdly enough, they didn't seem that distressed by this idea.

 They were probably just hiding their tears behind those smiles and nods of encouragement, right? :)

I want to be sedated

 Lori Ann's Random Thoughts

The "Its the middle of the day Wednesday and I am already tired and angry" Edition!

Let's do this dance!

1. It was my sister Danielle's birthday yesterday. I've really been working on trying to give people what they want. So, in her honor, there was NO tribute post. I know she despises them.

 (But happy birthday anyway and you are an amazing sister!!)

2. I have over 900 posts on this blog. Holy Hannah..900 posts of insanity.

3. I have not done any training for almost 3 weeks. Because my half marathon is in less than 3 weeks and that's how I roll. I am not motivated until I am in crisis. This one might kill me. If so, remind my mother that I want my ashes spread over the Qmart and a store bought cake brought to my gravesite every year on my birthday. And all other major holidays.

(NO ONE eats the cake. Just leave it there and don't ask any questions) 

4. Speaking of which, I am eating like a college student. Yesterday I had popcorn for lunch. Today I had easy mac. Next on my list...ramen. No. Yuck. Maybe I will be a real adult and pack something tomorrow.

5. I am kind of obsessed with my sister's new cat. I say multiple times a day "I want that ginger cat!"

Look at this thing!

But then I remember that I've got this crazy thing...

My Sugar Cookie!

And I feel happy again.

6. One week until we leave for Michigan! And I can accomplish my bucket list goal of leaving flowers on my dad's parents graves. (as I did not attend either of their funerals). We are going to try and find my Uncle Ray's grave as well.

My next client will be here in 28 minutes.

Peace out, girl scouts!

Lori Ann

(Younger sister of the infamous, now 29 year old Danielle Christian!)

My brother Numsey has forgiven me

It's my brother's birthday today.

Jr was a helpless captive amidst the evil Hinsdale sister triangle

David Allen Hinsdale Jr is 38 years old today.

My mom was telling me that he was born at 3:09 am in Bridgeton Hospital, in Bridgton NJ.

My mom went into labor with him when her mom was driving her to the courthouse to pay off some of my dad's traffic tickets.

She was apparently in labor for a number of hours before they realized he was going to be too big and she then had the first of what would later be 4 c-sections in less than 4 years. 

My mom remembers that first thing my dad said to her upon seeing his first born.

"I hope he can run fast"

"Why?"

"Because he is so ugly he is going to have to" 

I don't think my mom was amused :) 

He inspires me by what a good uncle he is to our nieces and nephews.

David (whom we didn't start calling 'Jr' until his mid twenties) has always been an inspiration to me.

He served 27 months as a missionary for our church.

He graduated college.

He got his black belt in Tykwando.

He has lived on his own in different states.

He is a wonderful uncle.

Sometimes, when I have clients or friends, who talk about how hard life is for them with their mental health issue or how they are owed something (disability benefits or whatever) it kind of makes me angry.

If my brother can accomplish all that he has and be such a good person, there is no one that can't accomplish what they set their mind to.

Thanks for being the best big brother a girl could ask for, Jr.

Your favorite youngest sister

Lumpo