Something might be found to take it's place

You guys...

I haven't really taken this blog to where it needs to be.

I've got mired down in birthday tributes, un-photo shopped pictures of the kids, and weird posts about my cat.

It's been self indulgent.

This blog is supposed to be the place where you- the reader-comes to feel inadequate and question your major life decisions.

You should look at what I am wearing and think...


 " Why don't I have a pair of lime green skinny jeans?"

You should read about my adventures and think

 "If I hadn't gotten married, maybe I would be sky diving in Indonesia right now".

You should say the name "Spinster Chronicles" and feel both a jolt of envy and a small prickle of fear.

That's what I have always wanted for this blog and my readers.

 For my blog to be a place you come, writhing with intense insecurity, to emotionally berate yourself and your second class lifestyle.

Therefore, I am now committing, in front of all of you dear readers, to live a life worthy of this blog.

I pledge to do all of the following:

To dance (in the rain) in "how can she wear garments with that dress" dresses.

To wear name brand stilettos all of the time.

 Especially when I am at the farmers and/or flea market.

To take heavily photo shopped pictures of me and the kids
(or better behaved stand ins for the kids)

 walking through the woods while it's snowing.

We'll be wearing matching mittens, have rosy cheeks, and will be collecting berries for homemade pie.

To update you on my "little projects"- like gold leafing the frame of an original Picasso I found at the thrift store.

Or single handed painting the exterior of an orphanage.

 If they still exist.

To share my unorthodox political views in a "because I care, let's all band together" sort of fashion.

For example: "Everyone join me in supporting polygamy because how many women do we know who aren't emotionally supported in their marriage?

 And how many men do we know who cheat?

 Why are we OK watching these people suffer?

 And their children?

 For some outdated, culturally repressed, exclusive, and ignorant ideal of monogamy?

 Let's take our religious and social blinders off and open our eyes to the needs of those around us.

Wear your lime green skinny jeans on Arbor day if you agree.

Anyway, as you can tell, a lot of changes are coming to the Spinster Chronicles.

Starting with a more dedicated use of slang that is neither age appropriate nor used in a meaningful context.

It just got real in here, yo.

Lori Ann

Just like the ones we used to know

This is what I woke up to on Christmas morning.

Snow and Sugar.

Add that to some fabulous gifts, quality nap time, and getting to see those Monroe babies and it was almost the perfect Christmas.

All that was missing was my Irish twin.

Merry Christmas to you all and especially to her. 

Lori Ann

And the moon is the only light that we'll see

I love Christmas.

It always reminds me of what is important and how lucky I am.

 And its sparkly. 

The only thing marring the perfection of this holiday is not having those Monrobies here. 

I guess it's only fair that they spend the holiday with the Monroe side of the family. 

The kids barely know them.

 I don't think they've ever met or talked to some of Jack's siblings and their spouses and they only see their Monroe grandparents like once a year. 

So even though its only fair that they are there, I still miss them. 

Jack Jack's scientific mind. 

James's insane and hilarious sense of humor.
 ( a non literal Monroe child.. It's a festivus miracle!) 

Elly's crazy, power mad megalomania. 

And most of all, I miss Katy's sweetness. 

If she were here she would be wrapping gifts for the cats and spending time with Uncle Dave.

Katy is the perfect niece for him.

She never forgets him like the rest of us do at times. 

And, in a Spinster Chronicles first, I will admit to missing my sister Danielle. 

She does all the work of Christmas and lets the rest of us have the glory.

 If she were here we would be putting the kids to bed after a wild night of cookie baking....

with me singing with the kids and eating sprinkles while she mixes the cookie dough, bakes the cookies, helps the kids frost, and cleans everything up:)


 And then we would be having a 3 hour conversation about politics and religion and life.

It burns me to admit that, even though I love to talk about having my Masters Degree,

 Danielle is much smarter than me. 

So, even though December 25th may come and go, it won't really be Christmas until they get home.
 (except for the whole opening presents thing... That waits for no man! ) 

Lori Ann

Somebody please tell him

Random Thoughts

The I'm almost done work
(if you count avoiding paperwork and blogging as work that is)
 Edition!

I only have 90 79 minutes until my Christmas break begins...yes, all 4 days of it!

I am so excited.

  I need a break from this place.

Working in mental health will make you crazy.

Speaking of which, I have been trying to find a therapist and it's already been an eye opening experience!

First, apparently it's hard to get a scheduled appointment if you have a job.

There aren't a lot of therapists with late hours.

Second, my heart was pounding when I called the one office because I kept thinking

 "Whoever I talk to is going to think I am crazy."

This was not the number I called. But I found the picture to be mildly amusing

It was really uncomfortable for me to talk to someone about getting therapy.

I didn't want anyone to think that there was something wrong with me.

So yeah...my empathy level for my clients is totally up right now

. It must have been hard on a lot of them to make that first appointment.

Then to sit in an office with me; someone who is clearly close to perfect, it's just got to be demoralizing... :)

I was just overwhelmed with the urge to listen to "Superbass"

. It's the only Nicki Minaj in my itunes.

I am going to miss the kiddos this Christmas.

 They are going to be in good old NC.

I hope they have some Cook Out for me.

 Especially their cheese fries.

I am giving a talk in church next week.

 The first I have given in several years
(due to my quasi active, leave after Sacrament lifestyle)

 The topic is

 "A change of heart"

 Well played, branch president.

 Well played.

There has been a lot of chatter about Mitt coming to hear my talk. It's probably going to happen. Calm down, people! 

When I get home, I am putting on my pj's, having some chili, and , zoning out with my Sugar cookie for the rest of the night, watching completely mindless TV and youtube clips.

Nothing says "I'm celebrating the birth of the King of Kings" like watching weird cat videos on Youtube.

Feliz Navidad a todo mi gente!

Lori Ann

p.s.- I have now written (counting this one) 601 blog posts.

That is going to be a lot of info for either my biographer and/or the police to sift through one day! 

A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund

You guys...

I can't believe its here already!!

FESTIVUS!!!!

Since I can never get people to engage in an actual, live Festivus,

 I am going to use my blog for the greater good (for once) and celebrate Festivus by blog post.

Let's begin with the airing of the grievances...

because I got a lot of problems with you people!

Here we go...

Dad- telling me that it's "not good for the car" to drive fast over one lane bridges
 (in order to get that effect where you bounce out of your seat)

is not cool.

Transmissions come and go, man.

 What's a few thousand dollars?

 Bouncing out of your seat in a sweet '01 Malibu on the way to work is priceless.

Mom- Your continued ability to NEVER age is getting a little rough for me as I hit my mid thirties.

 If people start with a lot of that "Are you sisters?" type thing, I might have to resort to plastic surgery.

And when I look (even more) like Barbie, you'll have no one to blame but yourself. 

Jr- Stop hiding candy in your room!

Just because you "bought it" and "its yours" doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to have it whenever I want! Do the right thing, man.

Danielle- Give me Elly.

You and I both know that God sent her to me through you.

 You for the love, care, concern and the Monroe genetics
(which produces insanely beautiful children).

 Now it's my turn to take over and be in charge of the glitter, emo facebook statuses, boyfriend at 11, and rebellious ice tea drinking years.

Eri- I've got no grievances with you.

 Except that you live too far away and it's not Christmas without you.

 I hope you enjoy a merry holiday with your little beasts!

Jack- I am not airing my grievances with you due to the fact that I fully intend to beat you in the feats of strength next time I see you.

Preparse llorar como nina chiquita, que esta perdida and buscando su mama.

All of my blogging friends...

I will renew my grievances with you that I aired earlier in the year.

 POST MORE.

 I have now officially gone ALL THE WAY through every single one of your archives.

I only wish I were joking.

Resolve to entertain me in 2013

 Stop being so selfish.

Well, that about covers it.

 If the world ends tomorrow, I figure this is a nice, classy post to end on.

And that's how it's done.

Happy Festivus to the rest of us!!

Lori Ann

A Provisional Birthday Tribute

* if you are near music, please cue up "The Rose" by Bette Midler as you read this blog tribute*

And now...

For the much anticipated, highly gossiped about, somewhat controversial, and 8 days belated...

Birthday tribute to my very favorite brother in law.

A man known to many as "Jack Monroe Junior" but whom I affectionately call

 " Jackie boy" or "the one who got conned into marrying my evil sister!"

Top five weirdly awesome things about and/or favorite memories of the Jackster

5. Jack is the only person I have ever met who has been able to resist the Hinsdale grudge holding machine.

 He doesn't keep grudges nor does he respond to passive aggressive grudge holding against him.

  He is so even tempered and laid back.

When he came into our family it was like we had discovered an alien among us.

Sometimes I will reference past grievances and Jack will not even remember.

4. Jack once helped me; under the cover of darkness, grab a used mattress from behind my work, put it on top of his car and transport it to my shady apartment.

 I think he stabilized it by holding it with his hand out the window.

If you called Jack and said "I've got 3 llamas and a keg of dynamite I need transported over the border into Canada", Jackie would say "Sure, just give me gas money".

  He is up for any adventure and is endlessly helpful.

3. Jack has always worked hard for his family.

He's even impressed us man hating Hinsdale women.

 He's never been too proud to take any job, from the early years at Suzy's Lounge the BK to his current awesome job at AT&T.

He's made it possible for my sister to stay at home with her kids while they are young.

 How many women get that in today's world?

2. Jack brought strategy to our family.

 Previous to Jack, Hinsdale game playing involved one of either 3 things (or sometimes all 3):

 My dad winning quickly, someone flipping the board, or my mom cheating without consequence.

But Jackie taught us how to really game.

 I can't count how many long, crazy nights we've had, playing Settlers of Catan, Scrabble, who,what, when, where, and why or Uno with the kids.

 He's brought us smug victory speeches, playing by your heart, trading your cities for sidekicks like Dufensrmirts
 (or whatever his name is)

sheep-opolies, and the self indulgent tortilla chip crunch.

  Everything is more fun with Jack.

1. And lastly, I will have to agree with my sister on this one,

Jack is WAY hotter than Daniel Craig.
 (and every other blonde/ginger man in existence)

Happy (belated) Birthday, Jackie!

Lor

From heaven afar

People, let me announce my greatest ever 'first world problem'.

Blogging from an Ipad mini is hard.

Which is why I have made the appropriate decision to blog from my work computer.
 (During break..of course..yes, during break)

The blogsphere has been waiting for my insight into a number of notorious topics.

 Pants.

 Fiscal cliffs.

 The inequalities inherent in the concept of league bowling.

But, alas, today's post will not address any of these topics.

On to a sadder topic...

I don't have any babies.

I only have my JJEK.

 And they all are close to the age of those little ones that died in Connecticut.

I. Could. Not. Lose. Them.

Not my literal and artistic Jack-Jack.

Not my “oh what a day”, crying for a lost rabbit James.

Not my glitter obsessed and brilliant Elly.

And definitely not my kind and wild Katy-Kat.

My heart breaks for those families.

 It’s a pain I don’t let myself even imagine.

 I hope that they can feel our love and prayers and it brings them even a small measure of peace.

Lori Ann

I won't even wish for snow

You guys

It's time for a random thoughts update!

Once again, not on a Thursday.

 Damn.

Anyway..

#1

I am going Christmas shopping this weekend!

 You know what that means.

 Overpriced Walmart bubble bath/lotion gift baskets will be under your tree soon!!
 (along with other stuff you didn't ask for and don't want)

# 2

Everyone is talking about wearing pants to church.

 And by "everyone", I mean just the cool kids.

Thanks, Allison for the thought provoking post.

 My mind has been on Christmas meltdown lately.

 The topic of 'to wear or not to wear' was a nice mental slap in the face!

 My brain was like "Wake up, Lori! Put down the glitter!"

# 3

I think it's really going to happen, people.

 I am officially looking for a therapist!

 I can't wait to make this persons life a nightmare.. much more thrilling place.

 I swear, I am going into that office, kicking off my shoes, sitting in what is obviously their chair, and saying
"I guess we have to start at the beginning..it snowed the October weekend I was born..".

# 4

Today, I cut off part of my skirt while in my office.

 Is it wrong that I feel kind of bad ass?
 (for the record, it was some kind of weird, overlapping fabric at the waistband.
 As if I need added bulk around the waist..)

This is my new skirt. :)

# 5

It's the branch Christmas party tonight.

Rumor has it that the Relief Society will be singing a lesser known, badly arranged, somewhat depressing Christmas ballad.

 Well, it's not so much rumor as much as historical evidence that leads me to this conclusion.

*sigh*

 I hope there are store bought sugar cookies.

And a weird nativity done by the primary.

# 6

So far I have avoided hearing the "shoes for Jesus" song.

 I think you know the one I'm talking about.

 Cross your fingers I can go the whole Christmas season without hearing it.

 It makes me feel crazy!

 (and just for the record, if I am dying, don't go and spend your small saving on shoes for me to wear in my coffin, OK? Just to clarify my position)

Wow.

 This has been a healing blog update for all of us.

 I like it.

 I am leaving feeling more refreshed and excited about life!

Lori Ann

Right from the start

It's 12-12-12, people.

I wonder if a lot of people are getting married today.

 Humm...

Anyway, the real reason I am writing is not to celebrate 12-12-12, but to celebrate 12-10-12.

My sister's birthday.

I know my sisters despise these tribute posts.

Erin is always saying "Hey Lor..why don't you read this out loud to me?"

 She knows that I never would.

They (like me) kind of hate cheesy, sentimental crap.

Anyway, I still write these because I don't know what the future holds.

 And I don't want to leave anything unsaid.

So, my sister Erin..

Erin is the kind of person everyone would want for a best friend.

She listens.

 She never judges.

 She sends you weird dollar store packages without you even realizing that a bright red snowflake mug and new mittens were just what you needed to keep going.

She knows what everyone likes.

 If you send her to get the family snacks, she will come back with exactly the thing everyone was secretly feeling like they wanted.

If you send her to get a movie, she will find just the perfect one.

She is a confidence builder.

A party starter.

 A hand up when you are down.

A few years ago she was coming home for Christmas and let me bid on tickets for her on priceline (she didn't have time).

I accidentally got her a ticket that didn't get her there until midnight on Christmas Eve.
(Good thing the old man is always up for a late night airport run!) 

 But it didn't feel like Christmas until she got there.

Until she was helping Danielle give the girls their bath.

 And gossiping about the Wilsons
 (my mom's family) 

with my mom.

 And helping my dad set the table.

 And catering to me and my eccentricities.

 And driving Jr to the movies.

One weekend spent with Erin has the rejuvenating power of a 2 week vacation.

She; more than anyone, takes care of all of us.

 And she is not celebrated enough for the amazing, brilliant, hilarious, charismatic, beautiful person that she is.

Thanks for everything, Eri.

I couldn't have asked for anything better than to have you and Danielle as sisters. 

Other than free agency, it's been God's greatest gift to me.

The real Lor 

He made my daughter laugh

You guys..

Maybe I am in a manic phase.

 Or maybe I've been eating too much of the Christmas candy I have in my office.

 It's

 "for my clients".
(and yes, that is an appropriate use of quotation marks)

But just a minute ago, I was watching the sunset from the window in my brand new giant and beautiful office when it hit me.

I have almost everything that I have ever asked God for.

I am in the career I want to be in.

I get paid to help people.

 It's all I've ever really wanted career wise.

I am living in the state where I want to live.

In PA  its breathtakingly beautiful every single day.

I am close to my nieces and nephews.

The only four people I love more than my own life.

 And they just keep getting funnier and funnier.

I am listening (on my iPad!) to songs that remind me of my childhood.

 Songs my dad used to play all night long.

I am going home to decorate the Christmas tree.

 And spend time with my evil cat.

(Who doesn't dream of having an evil cat? I think we all share that dream!)

I don't know how I got this lucky.

My days really are; for the most part, very merry and bright.

Lori Ann

Dreidel, dreidel, Dreidel..I made you out of clay

Ok, so here is what

MUST HAPPEN

for it to feel like Christmas this year.

Let's do this thing!

1. See a choir concert

Preferably a super politically correct one with song nods to every major faith from Judaism to Kwanzaa.

Ahhh yes... nothing make it feel more like Christmas then hearing a beautiful 3 part harmony of  "Chanukah Oh Chanukah".

2. A white elephant gift exchange

 I might get the kids involved in this.

Give them 5 dollars and tell them to get anything that strikes their fancy.

 But this year, let's be clear..no fireworks or moonshine.

I shouldn't even have to clarify but no one wants to have to bail out Katy again. 

3. Watch A Christmas Story

At least once and not more than 30 times.

 I feel compelled to watch it as it has many eerie similarities to my own life.

And I am obsessed with the idea of having my own "crummy little toady".

4. Go caroling

This is such a lost art.

People are so suspicious and unwilling to open their doors to their neighbors.

 Which is why we've devised a sort of trick or treat scenario.

Open your door and TREAT..you get a wonderful, heart warming Christmas carol from your neighbors and friends.

 Don't open your door and TRICK.. you get your front door egged.

Or 'Scrooge' written across your front windows in lipstick.

 Or your holiday decorations will be taken and swapped out from some discount Mexican themed "Day of the Dead' decorations we got on sale at Big Lots.

 So, your choice, really.

5.

A million other things

Cookie baking

 making a Star Wars themed ginger bread house

 staying up to midnight on Christmas Eve

having my dad's famous steak and shrimp on Christmas Eve

wearing my pajamas all of Christmas Day

 sending Erin our annual dollar store Christmas package exchange

 and  many more magical things!!!

Lori Ann

p.s.- Don't think I've forgotten Festivus.

 This year I am really going to celebrate it right

. I just have to find a metal pole..