How she's gonna find her way back home

These are my great great and great Grandmothers- Ada and Naomi

I have learned alot in the last 24 hours as I've immersed myself in family history.

I've learned that through my Dad's family I am a 13th generation American.

Our ancestor Robert Hinsdale came over in 1632- 12 years after the Mayflower.

He was later killed by Indians in a dramatic standoff (along with 3 of his sons)

I've learned that after 4 generations, my mother's family kind of disappears into the ether.

And not that I know everything about even those 4.

The more I learn, the more there is to learn.

I find one relative and that leads me to a million others.

Great aunts and uncles and their children, whom I've never heard of.

Generations of my family.

Most of whom are directly responsible for me even being here.

And I don't know them.

I don't know why I feel so inspired to do this.

I wonder what God wants me to find.

We shall see.

Lori Ann

What she once was to me

So my mother made me see this movie last night. 

Oddly enough, we were the only ones in theater to see this one on Friday night at 10 pm;) 

It was a good movie. It's the true story of an Irish woman who is looking for the son that she lost to adoption when she was a teenager. 

For some reason, when I left the theater last night I was filled with this overwhelming desire to find my great grandmother.

 Some might say that this is not really my story to tell but since I made my blog private and this woman was my great grandmother and her decisions have affected my life in a very meaningful way- I am going to tell the story anyway.

It's a little confusing, but here we go...

Here is the family tree-

There's me- Lori Ann.

Before I hacked all of my hair off

 I am the daughter of Terry Ann.

 Her mother- my grandmother- is Ann.

Here with the Katy Kat

 And her mother- my great grandmother was also Anne. (but with an 'e')

I know my mom (of course) and my grandmother. 

Here is my mom and her mom and 5 of her 8 siblings.

I've never met my great grandmother Anne.

My mom has never met her.

And my grandmother hasn't seen her in about 70 years.

After marrying a man named Wilfred Roberts at age 16 or so and giving birth to 5 daughters, my great grandmother Anne (who was maybe 23 or 24 at this time) left her family and went back to Ireland.

No one has heard from her since. 

My grandmother's father died in an accident shortly thereafter and she (and her sisters) were raised in foster care most of their lives. 

Being raised in foster care in the 40's affected my grandmother. It affected the way she parented my mother. Which affected the way my mother parented me. 

I love both of these women. Especially my mother. They are incredibly strong women.

But I can't deny that the original Anne's actions have affected my life. 

I know almost nothing about her. 

Which is odd because her name is my name. I love the Ann in my name. It makes me feel so connected to the strong women who are the reason I even exist and yet I know nothing of the original Anne.

Seeing this woman in the movie search so hard for her family made me feel like I should do the same. 

My great grandmother could still be alive for all I know. She'd be 98 or 99 right now. 

She's about to be a great-great-great grandmother and she doesn't know. 

If she's still alive, that is. 

Anyway, 

I don't know what I'd do if I found her. Or found out what happened to her.

I'd like to think it would bring some peace to my grandmother or my mom. 

I don't know. 

But I feel like it's important to try. 

Wish me luck. 

Lori Ann

But as long as there are stars above you

Elizabeth Mae Monroe at age 8


To my dear niece Elizabeth on the occasion of your 8th birthday

Elly, you are the magic in my life
I've loved every year of your life and
this year has been one of the best
Everything about you at 8 is awesome

From flippies to stompies
To makeup and break up stories
To singing Lorde and In summer
And seeing Frozen a million times
You are my Elsa, girl

You are a strong, independent woman
Who knows exactly what you want
(and is not afraid to tell anyone who will listen)
You tell me "girls rule the world"
And looking at you, I believe it

You love your pink bike with streamers
And dream of snowmen who love warm hugs
You still laugh like you did when you were 4
(Especially when we watch videos of you at 4)
"Seriously, why are you laughing?"

I've loved our Youtube parties
(what does the sock say?)
And watching movies at Uncle Davids
(and raiding his snacks)
I'll always remember  the night we got your bike
(the cold never bothered me anyway!)
And all our morning fashion and hair fights
(braid..no ponytail..not the scratchy sweater!)




I'll always remember our summer of soccer
(Look out for the girl in pink!)
And our walks through the cemetery
(talking about Puritans and religious freedom)
And our Chopped parties
(who chooses marsh mellow fluff and twinkies?!)
And our many YouTube tutorials
(How to play soccer- step 1)

Elly, I hope you know how beautiful you are
You are the oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter
Every one of them a strong woman
And I see every one of them in you
You are brilliant and original and everything
I asked God for on the day you were born

I can't imagine my life without you, Elly bean.
 

Never, ever change.

Love always,

Aunt Lori

Previous Elly birthday tributes (there are 5 on this blog now!)

Age 4 

Age 5

Age 6

Age 7

It's because of you

It's another snow day!

 This week I will have only worked Tuesday and Thursday. So odd.

Anyway- as promised- today's post is my long awaited next addition to "Free therapy!"

So..today's topic.

 Reinforcing core beliefs.

All of us have things we believe strongly about ourselves. Both negative and positive. 

These are called our core beliefs. 

Most of them are formed in our first 6 years of life.
(the 'wonder years')

We spend the rest of our lives seeking out relationships and situations that reinforce these beliefs. Both the positive and negative.

A classic example would be:

The daughter of an abuser marrying an abusive man. 

Her core belief might be "I am worthless" and even if she intellectually knows different, she subconsciously seeks to reinforce what she has been taught about herself.

 It sounds odd, but we feel most comfortable in that place, even if its negative. 

Human beings are creatures of comfort. We learn something, we understand things a certain way, and we don't like information that changes those thoughts and feelings. 

Not that we aren't open to change our ideas or learn new things. Most of us are very intellectually curious and crave stimulation and new sensory input. 

It's just that our core beliefs are so strongly a part of us that they seem like fact- not something open to interpretation or change. 

Think about when someone compliments you on something you feel like you don't do well. How does it make you feel?

For me, it's when people say something like "You look nice today" or something along those lines.

 I have a strongly held belief that there is something wrong with me- from the way I look to how I present myself.

 I like to be around people who will laugh when I joke about how "fashionable" I am. I frequently say "You want my fashion advice, don't you?" looking to solicit laughs and reinforce the idea that I am a disaster. 

It almost makes my skin crawl to be complimented on how I look or how I dress. My coworkers are super sweet and will frequently say "Hey skinny!" or "You look so cute today". 

It's so hard for me to just nod quickly and say "umm..thanks!" 

I usually start to joke or change the subject. 

Intellectually I know I should look for people, friendships, and situations that reinforce positive ideas about me but I don't feel comfortable there. 

That's why most of the negative things we think about ourselves are so hard to change. Not because there isn't evidence to contradict those negative ideas but because we tend to avoid and discount it and look for things that reinforce the dysfunctional ideas we have about ourselves.

I hope this makes sense. 

There you have it!

 This week's Free Therapy. 

Next week (and now that I've gone private) I'm going to talk about my infamous 'sex homework'. 

Yes. There is nothing more appropriate than a single Mormon girl giving out sex homework. 

Be warned!

Lori Ann

Let's face it though. I am getting super hot. 

But though you're still with me

It's been an odd week. 

My office was closed yesterday. 

Open today.

Closed at least half a day tomorrow- or the whole day, depending on weather. 

Then I have Friday off.

I always dream of having lots of time off work but I really do thrive in a structured, routine environment. Too much time on my hands throws me off.

Anyway, 

I think I am finally ready to let go of my favorite client. 

I was telling my friend Michele that I go through periods of being super focused on people and then not caring about them at all.

My therapist says I am all or nothing.

 (maybe that's her polite way of calling me bipolar?)

I wonder if other people quote me the way that I quote my therapist. 

Yikes. 

I say some crazy stuff. 

Speaking of my clients, there is a lot of depression going on right now. With the crazy weather and everything. 

I kind of pick up on the energy of my clients at times and so I have been listening to a lot of sad songs.

Right now, "Someone like you" is playing. 

It kind of reminds me of my senior year of college. 

When I listened to "My Immortal" about 1000 times. Literally.

I think my roommate was plotting to kill me. 

Now I'm listening to "Carry you Home" by James Blunt

Lori Ann

p.s.- If tomorrow's a legit snow day- be ready. I plan to finally update my 'free therapy' feature on this blog. It's going to be epic!

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

My favorite Superbowl commercial

It's another snow day, people!

It's 10:13 am and I have 17 items left on my 'Snow Day' to do list.

I feel a little crazy right now.

I already filed my taxes.

It was rough having to itemize all of my investments, vacation homes, gambling winnings and such but me and my tax pro- turbo tax- got it done in about 10 minutes.

Is it bad that nothing has changed on my tax returns since I started filing at age 15? Except the income?

Anyway...

Other items on my to do list:

Make Dr. K (my fav psychiatrist) a t-shirt extolling the virtues of libertarianism

Create a scrapbook about my adventures with my sister's kids

Make rice krispy treats with above mentioned kids

Shovel (so I can get some dang cardio in)

Finish Valentines Day wreathes and Erin's package

Bake something

Create an official curriculum for my group therapy sessions

Sing along to some classic Prince. 

Wish me luck and happy, happy Snow day!

 (to all my East Coasters!)

Lori Ann

Oh yeah..let's not forget this one...

Update blog.

p.s.- I spent 2 hours making this for my office (I wanted a love themed quote for February) and it's HORRIBLE. Oscar Wilde deserves so much better!

You are my candy

So...

Today is Sugar's birthday. 

I have no idea when she was actually born, but it was probably around this time and I like the idea of her celebrating her birth on the same day that we celebrate another of our great animal friends- the Groundhog!

My favorite line from Groundhogs Day is "Don't drive angry". I always like the most obscure quotes. "I can see that you're serving drinks" is my favorite Star Wars line and "I've worked for the private sector. They expect results" is my favorite line from Ghost Busters. 

Anyway

 I was going to write a sentimental post about how much happiness the Sugar cookie has brought to my life and yada, yada but then I saw this. 

She has placed herself in the corner. (next to the drywall of all things)

So odd.

I think this is God's way of warning me never to have actual children.

If this is what I get with a cat, who knows what kind of devil creatures I would give birth to?

Anyway,

I have gotten 21 of the 24 items on my weekend to do list done. 

But I'm staying up until they are all done. 

And it might be a snow day tomorrow which means I can get even MORE done. 

I don't know what I am going to do when I get everything done.

 Everything I've had in the back of my mind for months (or years). 

What do people do when they are all caught up?

Is this when I take up golf?

Or recreational pot use?

Is pot use ever not recreational?

I'm not smoking now, I swear. 

Lori Ann