Leaping Lizards!

I couldn't miss this chance to post on Leap Day. 

I was going to make my clients leap in and out of my office today, but they all just wanted to be serious and talk about their problems and stuff.

Gosh.

Anyway, following in Leap Day tradition, I want to take this chance to propose to any and all of the hordes of single men who are devoted followers of my blog! Let's do this marriage thing!

On a different note, I am getting a teeny tiny glimpse into the life of a mother with this cat. She won't leave me alone to do things, like blog and eat endless bowls of Reeses Puffs. 

Then I feel guilty for not paying her more attention.

Holy Hannah, if this is what pet ownership is like, I don't know how you parents do it!

Speaking of wild and crazy cats... here is your daily Sugar. 

Lori Ann

For Erin and Katy

One of the great Spinster traditions is becoming a crazy cat lady. I've avoided it for years for a few reasons.

1. Animals don't like me. I used to think it was because I was a sociopath and they could sense it. But that was in the BML days... (Before medicated Lori).  I was crazy then. 

2. I hate to admit this, but I don't like being responsible for things. I don't have any plants, any fish, or anything that requires human warmth and kindness. 

3. Two words. Litter box. 

Anyway, I guess none of us can really escape our fates. You get married and have kids and one day you wake up wearing high waisted, tight at the ankles, light denim washed jeans and your husband's t-shirt. You stay a spinster and one day you wake up, owning 13 cats and yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off your lawn. Anyway, in tribute to my new status as a crazy cat lady..here are some pictures of my cat!

The Sugar cookie loves sleeping in the sun.

When she is not sleeping right next to my head. 

Or climbing right up into my face. 

These pictures are more for my sister and niece than anyone else. Sugar can't wait to meet both of you, Aunt  Erin and Katy Kat!

Lori Ann

Sugar, Sugar

This weekend was epic.

I spent some crazy time with my 

Four

Favorite 

People

In all the world.
 (bonus shot of Elly, just because she's so cute!)

Best quotes of the weekend:

"I found him on the tire swing with some weirdos" (said by Jack, after I sent him into the playground to find James)

"We're in the third dimension" (said by Elly, unsolicited, on the walk home from the park)

"When she approached me with the sausage, it was kind of creepy" (said by Jack, referring to Katy, as she walked by him at breakfast, eating her 5th sausage link)

"Aunt Lori, the dollar store doesn't sell promises" (said by Jack, when the toy submarine I bought him at the dollar store didn't work)

"The Chinese don't know the difference between baking powder and baking soda" ( said by Big Jack, in a typical Anti-Chinese rant)

" I want you two to get to know each other" ( said by Danielle, as a reason she was leaving to go read, instead of watching "The Voice" with me and Jack)

"You go use the downstairs potty!" (screamed by Katy, who is weirdly possessive of the upstairs bathroom)

" You know what's amazing? These stars we are looking at are the same stars that they saw even before Christopher Columbus discovered America.".... "No, they're not, Aunt Lori" ( Me, trying to impart the wonder of the cosmos to my nieces and nephews while star gazing, and then being corrected by Jack Jack..to which Danielle added "Yeah, my kids know this stuff, you can't pull anything over on them")

"You're a horrible mother! I feel like Sugar isn't in a safe environment!" (Erin, upon finding out I left my cat alone for 36 hours)

Umm...p.s.- I got a cat. Her name is Sugar! 

It was a crazy awesome weekend.  I hope we have many, many more!!

Lori Ann

You're hot then you're cold

Oh my gosh, Glee is so stealing my fan fiction for their show. 

That's all.

Lori Ann

This time I'm not leaving without you

I have recently become obsessed with the Lady Gaga song "You and I".  I've played it probably 30 times in a row now. I'm always like 1 year behind the trends:)

I ate 4 peach yogurts today. I have no self control when it come to yogurt. Or V8. Or cheerios. Or tin roof sundae ice cream.

You know what I think about a lot? I think about how weird it is that I am as related to my aunts and uncles as my nieces and nephews are to me. I don't even really know them. I wonder what my life would be like if I had an aunt who was like me.

I got a new blue dress for work. I'll post pictures tomorrow! I love dresses and its hard for me to find ones that I like, so this is exciting for me. 

Yesterday I watched 10 episodes of "I Survived" on Hulu. I don't know why, but I love that show. My sister Erin thinks I am crazy to watch it since I live alone. She called my mom to tell on me. 

1 month and 3 days until the Hunger Games comes out!! AHHHHHH!!!

I'm not excited to go back to work tomorrow. I wish I had three weeks off to craft, sleep, and spend time with the muffin babies.

I think I am going to start a new feature on this blog. Maybe something called "Crap I tell my clients" or " Your weekly therapy", or something strange like that. Brace yourselves! 

Lori Ann

You put the light in my life

This morning, when I got to work, I was joking with the girls at my office. I told them "Beware, I'm expecting numerous flower deliveries". 

I'm usually ok with this side of the Spinster life. You get the freedom, but you don't get the flowers.

Except this Valentines Day, I did get flowers. 

Thank you, Erin. You are the best sister anyone could ask for too!!

Lori Ann

All you need is Love

Here it is...the long awaited, critically acclaimed, fairly bad ass

SPINSTERS GUIDE TO ROMANCE FOR ALL YOU SMUG MARRIEDS

In lieu of my traditional list format, I've decided to bring you this years guide in the form of my interpretation of quotes from the great romantics in history. We'll start with Byron.

Byron once said: 

"Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship."

Byron and I have a lot in common. We both love(d) gay men and our own close family members. For him, a half sister, for me, my red headed hottie of a first cousin, Gregory Francis. 

ANYWAY,

Consider the above quote and ask yourselves...Have you allowed your love to subside into friendship?

You and the spouse shouldn't be chatting companionably over cups of hot chocolate whilst watching American Idol. Trust me, if your love isn't stormy and passionate, you probably aren't really in love- shared history, children, and a lifetime of beautiful memories aside. 

So put down that remote, cut off an ear, and mail it to your spouse ASAP! (but don't just put it in the mailbox, that's lazy. Actually mail it from the post office or something.)

Now, Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

“Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death”

Some might say that this quote expresses a fervent wish to spend not only her life, but her eternity with her beloved husband. 

Don't be naive. 

Nothing is more beautifully tragic than mourning a lost love. After all, love is much easier when you don't have to put up with someone and their annoying habits. It seems to me that Elizabeth is warning her husband.   She probably wanted to say something along the lines of "Violets are blue, blood is red, I'll remember you when you are dead"

Then she realized that it would be plagiary because that's already in the Babysitters Club book "Kristy's Mystery Admirer" and just went with the whole "I shall but love thee better after death" thing. 

What we can take from this is really that love and fear go hand in hand. So give your spouse chocolates, but put arsenic in one, kind of a Russian roulette sort of thing. Maybe they'll eat it, maybe they won't. Either way, you'll laugh about it one day. (well, you definitely will..them..possibly not)

Lastly, and perhaps the most powerful..the immortal words of Meatloaf.

"I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that"

What couple hasn't warmed themselves by the fireside, listening to the smooth tones of this poetry set to music? I know I have a Meatloaf mix for when I invite Gregory...umm..hot gay boys over. 

This one kind of explains itself. You'll do anything for love, except THAT.

I'm sure we all know what THAT is, but in case you weren't sure, I've created a list for your edification.

I'll do anything for love but I won't do...

dishes

weed

marinate the Thanksgiving turkey we're taking to your mothers in beer

watch hockey, even if it's an American team

play Jenga

paper mache

twister at your office Christmas party

any Harry Potter role playing

a family photo in an orchard

go to Cleveland 

pilates at the community center for seniors

a Sandra Bullock movie marathon

Obviously Meatloaf couldn't fit all of that into the song, although I hear there are some bootleg extended versions out there.

Anyway, I wish you all the very merriest of Valentines Days!!! 

Lori Ann

The Greatest Love of All

It's been a weird week. There's a lot I could say, but I won't. This blog has gotten too wordy and tepid for my taste. Which is why I will delight you will some thrilling pictures instead. Let's do this dance!  

 Thomas..my sweet little butter ball. I love Thomas and I proved it to him by feeding him tuna behind my dad's back.

I made this wreath for Eri. Doesn't it look awesome on her door?? 

I finally took the plunge and ate a veggie burger tonight. It wasn't bad. But I may have put just a touch too much ketchup on it, you think? It was; like almost everything else I've discovered since becoming vegetarian, a pleasant surprise. 

So, I'll have to let these thrilling pictures tide you over until tomorrow's blog update. In which I promise not to talk about vegetarianism AT ALL. But I do promise to share my 'so what I'm not married, I'm still a therapist" advice for your love life this Valentines week!!

Lori Ann

La Vida Loca

You guys, I have like 80 clients now.

I am seeing between 6-8 people a day.

This is my dream job. This is what I've worked years for.

But, oh my gosh, 8 hours of listening to people's problems and struggles and trauma...

It's too much sometimes. 

In any given day I might work with a kid with ADHD, a woman who survived sexual assault, another woman going through a divorce, someone with AIDS, a teen with low self esteem, and so many more things.

And half of my sessions are in Spanish. 

I want to cry with them. Sometimes I want to shake them and tell them that they're standing in the way of their own progress. They tell me about their abusive childhoods, their years of depression, the decisions that they regret. They tell me about their sexual problems, their anger towards their mothers, and say I am the first person who has ever listened. 

But sometimes I just want to fall asleep and forget that this is my job. I want to never hear any one's problems again. 

I guess until someone pays me to craft, take naps, and give my opinion, I'll have to stick with this therapist gig. If being sometimes overwhelmed by my job is my greatest problem, I guess I'm a lucky girl. 

Lori Ann

J..J...Junior

Ok, people..

We are in semi-crisis mode over here.

I; once again, rashly invited my brother to stay at my place for a few days.

I am therapist, right?

I counsel people every single day about improving their communication and building stronger families, etc.

It should be easy for me to have a good relationship with my brother.

But holy Hannah, I become 13 again around Junior. 

He drives me crazy!! He makes so much noise and he's expensive to maintain, and he asks questions he already knows the answer to. 

Most mornings at my apartment are very zen..I'm eating my oatmeal, planning my vegetarian menu for the day, putting on my makeup...

Today, the stove fan is going because Junior burnt something while cooking himself eggs and sausage and there is so much confusion. I tell you one thing, I haven't missed the smell of cooking meat over the last 6 weeks.

*Deep breath*

I'm leaving for work two hours early. 

I can do this with a careful strategy of going to work early and staying late. 

We've got 3 days to go...wish me luck!!

Lori

p.s.- Junior is a very nice guy in reality. This post addresses more that I'm kind of neurotic and enjoy living alone:)

To Elizabeth Mae, on the occasion of your 6th birthday.

My very first niece is six today. 

The baby girl we all prayed for after two rough and tumble boys.

Elly is all of my dreams wrapped into one explosive package. 

She hula hoops like nobody's business.

She dances ballet in the front yard on cold, cloudless February days.

She rides her little pink scooter like she doesn't know what fear is.

She talks about wuggle pets and little Pepa pigs all the while planning world domination.

She wears her blue sparkly shoes everywhere. 

Elly is always in motion. The dreams must race through her head at night because I can't imagine even sleep daring to slow her down.

She inspires me to be a better aunt and a better person.

Elly, I can't remember my life before you. I can't remember our family before you. There is no 'us' without you.  

I love how magical you make my life and I hope you know how truly amazing you are. You (and your three crazy cohorts) are the very best part of me. 

Love,

Aunt Lorey

p.s.- I stole these song lyrics from Tim McGraw. These birthday tributes have sunk to a new low:)

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born

You're beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little Elly

I am an idiot!

Well, seems as good a time to blog as any. Seeing as I am currently trapped in the back parking lot of my office with a dead battery. I don't know why I don't keep up with my car maintenance. Maybe it's so I can drive my dad crazy and have little adventures like this one:)

On a positive note, I do have a whole box of tasty cakes so I probably won't starve:)

Wish me luck!

Lori Ann

*** I arrived home safely after a jump from a rather cute mechanic named Carlos***

Boring Life Updates

 I was outside yesterday, completing my assessments in the sunshine! More vitamin D, but significantly less professionalism:)

Dinner last night. Salmon again. This time I added fresh lemon juice and garlic and dill. It was really good. 

I spent 2.77 cents on a ginger ale and two yogurts yesterday. Leaving my Frugal February remaining balance at

 97.23

It's GROUNDHOGS DAY!! Look for my update tonight. We're having a ceremony/celebration at work!

Lori Ann

1 month, baby!!

It's Groundhogs Day Eve.

A time for serious introspection and contemplation.

Or not!

Anyway, you may all wish to congratulate me, I have been a vegetarian for exactly 1 MONTH!!

Here are the top three things I have learned during this month:

1. Hamburgers can appear in your dreams. Sometimes they even dance and sing.

2. Fresh spinach is really good. I don't know why I've been eating iceberg lettuce all these years. From now on all my salad greens will be spinach or other darker colored options.

3. Doing this has weirdly been the best diet ever. Giving up meat has made me much more aware of what else I am eating, since I am always looking for protein. I've given up soda, most candy, and a lot of the junkie kind of meals I used to eat. (spagettios, french fries, etc)

In addition to my ongoing vegetarian quest, Erin and I are competing in Frugal February. We're both trying to keep our expenditures under 100 for the entire month. That includes gas, food, entertainment, etc. Whenever I post, I will leave a running tally of how much I have left!!

Thanks for being so supportive. Getting to blog about all my goals motivates me so much. And keep sending me recipes!! I love them!!

Lori Ann