All you need is Love

Here it is...the long awaited, critically acclaimed, fairly bad ass

SPINSTERS GUIDE TO ROMANCE FOR ALL YOU SMUG MARRIEDS

In lieu of my traditional list format, I've decided to bring you this years guide in the form of my interpretation of quotes from the great romantics in history. We'll start with Byron.

Byron once said: 

"Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship."

Byron and I have a lot in common. We both love(d) gay men and our own close family members. For him, a half sister, for me, my red headed hottie of a first cousin, Gregory Francis. 

ANYWAY,

Consider the above quote and ask yourselves...Have you allowed your love to subside into friendship?

You and the spouse shouldn't be chatting companionably over cups of hot chocolate whilst watching American Idol. Trust me, if your love isn't stormy and passionate, you probably aren't really in love- shared history, children, and a lifetime of beautiful memories aside. 

So put down that remote, cut off an ear, and mail it to your spouse ASAP! (but don't just put it in the mailbox, that's lazy. Actually mail it from the post office or something.)

Now, Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

“Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death”

Some might say that this quote expresses a fervent wish to spend not only her life, but her eternity with her beloved husband. 

Don't be naive. 

Nothing is more beautifully tragic than mourning a lost love. After all, love is much easier when you don't have to put up with someone and their annoying habits. It seems to me that Elizabeth is warning her husband.   She probably wanted to say something along the lines of "Violets are blue, blood is red, I'll remember you when you are dead"

Then she realized that it would be plagiary because that's already in the Babysitters Club book "Kristy's Mystery Admirer" and just went with the whole "I shall but love thee better after death" thing. 

What we can take from this is really that love and fear go hand in hand. So give your spouse chocolates, but put arsenic in one, kind of a Russian roulette sort of thing. Maybe they'll eat it, maybe they won't. Either way, you'll laugh about it one day. (well, you definitely will..them..possibly not)

Lastly, and perhaps the most powerful..the immortal words of Meatloaf.

"I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that"

What couple hasn't warmed themselves by the fireside, listening to the smooth tones of this poetry set to music? I know I have a Meatloaf mix for when I invite Gregory...umm..hot gay boys over. 

This one kind of explains itself. You'll do anything for love, except THAT.

I'm sure we all know what THAT is, but in case you weren't sure, I've created a list for your edification.

I'll do anything for love but I won't do...

dishes

weed

marinate the Thanksgiving turkey we're taking to your mothers in beer

watch hockey, even if it's an American team

play Jenga

paper mache

twister at your office Christmas party

any Harry Potter role playing

a family photo in an orchard

go to Cleveland 

pilates at the community center for seniors

a Sandra Bullock movie marathon

Obviously Meatloaf couldn't fit all of that into the song, although I hear there are some bootleg extended versions out there.

Anyway, I wish you all the very merriest of Valentines Days!!! 

Lori Ann