It's so quiet in the world tonight

Today I have two riveting events to share with you.

Brace yourselves and prepare for a 

triumph of the human spirit! 

Well, not really.

 I just like to say that. 

Event One: Work Conference

Oh yeah..can you feel the excitement building?

 It was so hard for me not to add "But my nickname is Eugene".

 So hard.

This was my agenda at 8 am.                                        This was my agenda at 4pm. 

So yeah..it was pretty thrilling.

The most thrilling part was the CEU'S!!

 6 down, 24 to go.

Event Two: Making subway art without Danielle's supervision.

Probably not my brightest idea.

 Step 1: I tried to paint a graduated blue theme with sparkle paint and stars on the outside.

 Step 2: Then I added the quote.

 It's by Vicent Van Gogh.

 Step 3: I painted over all of it with black.

Step 4: I pulled off all of the stickers.

 It didn't turn out how I expected but maybe Danielle can fix it for me!

If there is any justice in this world, it will be fixed!
(I am in a "making grandiose statements" phase in my life)

And nothing will change me! Not even the threat of death!

OK, maybe the threat of death.

So, all in all it's been a pretty exhausting day.

 Nothing like half sleeping through a work conference and hours of mediocre crafting to drain you.

Anyway,

Happy General Conference Weekend, people!!

Lori Ann

And every word he spoke was rain

Random Thoughts Thursday

 (which I always steal from this blog)

1. I miss Sugar.

 It's a little lonely without her jumping out from behind every door and following me room to room.

2. Does it still count as therapy if I look up dental providers for my client while he works on his manuscript?

3. I've got a work conference tomorrow.

I always feel like such an adult when I have to go to these things.

But holy Hannah they are usually so boring.

 Between the awkward introduction games to the power points, these conferences make me feel a little deranged.

Therapists are so awkward.

(location of conference)

4. I am officially addicted to veggie burgers.

I usually don't like to push my preferences on others but I can seriously testify that if you haven't tried a veggie burger, you are missing out!

5. I've recently put some Hillary Weeks on my itunes.

 I still can't listen to it without feeling like I'm in the Chevy Malibu in Chicago, recording our miles and driving out to zone conference at the Pulaski. 

6. What quote would you want to see hanging in your therapist's office?

 I am going to make a subway art quote sign for my office this weekend, but I want to find something meaningful and appropriate.

 Any ideas?

7.  I need a new book series/ TV show/ movie to obsess over.

I am free falling around here, completely obsession free.

 It's unsettling.

Lori Ann

You don't know me

Here it is..the highly anticipated second edition of...

 Things I am not emotionally qualified to work on with my clients but I do it ANYWAY! 

In this installment, we will focus on my giving advice about stuff that I have absolutely NO experience in.

 I may or may not have said all of the following things
 (in the tone of sage and all knowing expert)

1. You should probably go to AA if you are compulsively binge drinking.

 Especially if it's black out drinking.

That's dangerous and it's happened to all of us at some point,

 but not every weekend.

2. Sure, pot has it's positives.

 It makes you feel good, relax, let go of your stresses.

 But once the high is over, all those stresses come right back, don't they?

 Plus, you've gained like 4 pounds from the munchies, so that's additional stress.

3. It doesn't really matter if I think F*&# is a bad word or an element of free expression.

 As long as you live with your mom, you are obligated to follow her rules.
(As therapists, we are supposed to be comfortable speaking to people in their own vernacular. Saying the F word makes me feel nauseated)

4. After a divorce you have to go through a grieving process.

The death of a relationship is like the death of a person in many ways.

 Divorce just tears you apart and makes you question even who you are and what your life is really about.

You feel like a failure.

5. It can be really painful to be judged or singled out because of your race.

It's a very isolating feeling.

The names, the bigotry.

Your race can be your greatest source of both pride and anxiety.

6. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and it's thankless to a certain degree.

 All the late nights, the worry, it's exhausting.

 Which one of us hasn't stayed up all night, only to keep running all the next day?

7.  SEX

I can't tell you how often I have counseled people on their sex lives.

 Everything from erectile dysfunction to fetishes to herpes flare ups..and everything in between.

Holy Hannah..there is some WEIRD STUFF out there.

WEIRD.

So, if you need advice on how to overcome your anorexia,

 deal with the prejudice of being too pretty and not taken seriously,

or how to manage your gambling addiction- look no further!!

Lori Ann, LCSW

Free Falling

OK, it's been a couple of crazy weeks.

 I am now going to give you my life update.

 It's pretty much the most exciting thing you will read today, so you might want to sit down.

1. My car has stabbed me in the back again!

What in the DEVIL is a timing belt anyway?

 Suffice it to say that I am currently driving Jackie's sweet sweet Honda Civic and, after repair costs,

I am planning a menu of Ramon noodles...for the rest of my life!

2. I've been hanging out with my sister's kids.

Which is beautiful and strange.

 Just like them.

We've done the following over the past two weekends:

Accidentally made whole wheat scones

 Told strange stories wrapped (or covered) in a sheet

Tried to "out" Junior
 (much to his confusion)

Eaten Frosties like it was our job

 Stolen Big Jack's cereal,

 Allegedly played in a large tub of spaghetti
(They have NO real evidence it was us!)

 Tried to break into my parents house

 Foisted off our cats on Grandpa

Made subway art

 and as always

gotten hopped up on caffeine and made choices we would later regret.

3. I've been binging on Dannon Fruit on the Bottom yogurt.

I ate SIX of them on Saturday.

 That's not OK.

4. Explaining the Whore Hand concept to various coworkers.
(Because I like to keep it classy and professional in the work place)

5. I've recently taken to looking around my apartment and saying

"Somebody better clean this mess up" 

I like to say it in an accusatory and/or menacing tone.

 I'm not sure where this is going really, as I live alone.

But it just feels right;)

Anyway, that is my exciting life update. 

And to end on a philosophical note

"2 thine own self B tru"

Lori Ann

Your daily Sugar

Eureka

I have kind of a weird thing that I haven't really told anyone except my sisters.

I don't find very many people funny. 

Most of the time when I am laughing it's polite laughter. 

Not that I don't have fun and enjoy other people, but I really only have five people that I find genuinely hilarious.

These people are the following:

My sisters

 This weird guy named Cliff

 Karen Pepper

 and one of my camp friends,

 Eureka 
(Well, her real name is Becky)

But let's not get technical.

And the magic of Eureka is that she looks like the quintessential

 "Mean pretty girl"

The one the tormented us all in high school.

But she is FREAKING hilarious, self deprecating, random, and sharp.

When I am around these people I feel like I am sharpening my mind and it forces me to think and be creative because they are so brilliant it inspires me.

 So, short story long, I went to the movies with Eureka tonight.

The Hunger Games again.

This time the viewing included discussion of:

 Ponchos
(to be fair, the topic of ponchos comes up in my daily conversations with most people)

 Jelly rubbing

 Recreating the spider monkey moment in Twilight

How to deal with break ups when not in your country of origin

 And tracking down a woman named Potluck.

I am so glad I got to see her again!

There are really some friends you shouldn't let go of.

 Becky is totally one of those. 

Lori Ann

The Witching Hour

So, since I have recently come to recognize that I am an adult and I do and say whatever I want-
(as long as it's polite and legal and doesn't cause any conflict)

 I made the adult decision to go to see the Hunger Games movie at 9:45 am on Friday.

No crazy teenage midnight showings for me, no sir.

That is until tonight.

When my dad called and told me that I WAS going to the midnight show whether I wanted to or not.

With him, my mom, and Danielle.

And so, like the adult that I am, I took a deep breath and said..

"Yes, sir"

Hello midnight showing,

 goodbye pretense of being my own boss:)

Lori Ann

Your daily Sugar

Euro trash Utopia

My favorite quotes from my sleepover with the kids:

" Go on with your lies, Aunt Lori"
 (Jack-Jack- when I told him that I had to take care of his mother as a child as she was a sickly)

"I think it's mad!!"
 (Elly- talking to me in the middle of the night about her cat Willow.)

She claimed she was scared to let Willow sleep with her because she felt that Willow was mad. (Willow was sleeping) 

"I put my gum behind my ear when I'm eating meals"
 (James- who later had to have gum cut out of his hair)

"Honey mustard- more than meets the eye"
 (James- discussing pretzel dips)

"You break all the rules!"
(Jack-Jack, referring to me letting them eat cookies for dinner, stay up late,
 and go see the fountain at night)

It was a awesome sleepover with my very favorite people. 

Let's do it again as soon as possible muffin babies!!

Aunt Lori

Someone ate my corn dog!

Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads

Henry David Thoreau

Lori Ann

& 

JJE

He Hears Me

I love my clients.

 They make me want to be a better person.

Lori Ann

Your daily Sugar

p.s.- I've found the man of my dreams.

His name is Stefon.

 Check out my future spouse here!

The Ides of March

My SUPER INTENSE goals for today:

1. Use the phrase

"it's not a destination, it's a journey" 

in every single session with my clients.

It's my new catchphrase...it works so well in all conversations.

A few examples

"Hey, we are out of toilet paper"

"It's not a destination, its a journey"

"I am making spaghetti for dinner"

"It's not a destination, its a journey"

And on and on...

Back to the goals....

2. Get Sugar string cheese.

It's keeps her placid and docile.

3. Call the Elly belly and Katy kat and make plans for this weekend. 

4. Make wealthy friends.
 (well, this is my goal everyday.)

5. Fall desperately in love with an unattainable man.

Preferably gay

but I am also currently accepting the following forms of unattainability:

 A man engaged to an angry ginger

 mental illness

Priests

and those whose immigration status is forcing them to leave America forever.

That is all.

Lori Ann

Your daily Sugar

p.s.- On a completely unrelated note, about 3 years ago on this day I was weirdly consumed with an interest in  finding out more about my dad's brother Ray, who died at age 4 after being hit by a car.

 I was on the internet for hours and late that night I found his birth certificate.

He had been born on March 15th, the same day I was looking for him.

Weird, eh?

To let you go

Sugar and I got back on the heroine caffeine today.

 So much for that resolution.

I don't know if working in mental health and not having access to mass amounts of caffeine really go hand in hand. 

On a more optimistic note,

I did stop myself from buying 8 dollars worth of Easter Candy.

And Sugar is kind of off the cat nip.

 After all...

Quitting isn't a destination, it's a journey

Honestly, I don't know that Sugar and I are the best influence on each other.

She hasn't gotten behind my no soda pledge at all and I keep buying her cat nip mice.

 We're enablers at best and unhealthy co-dependents at worst.

This blog just keeps getting better and better, right?

Lori Ann

  &

Sugar December

I get so lost sometimes

Ok, it's time to do this thing...

A new Spinster Chronicles series dealing with

 Things I am not emotionally qualified to work on with my clients but I do it ANYWAY! 

For the inaugural edition of this series I am going to list

 the 
ten best

pieces of advice and/or words of wisdom  I have given my clients.

 And it's real, people.

 I've really said all of the following things.

10. I guess its ok to threaten people at church,

 as long as you don't have a real plan or a weapon or anything.

9. You might want to talk to your priest about any exorcisms...

 I'm not really trained in that.

8. If we can't talk about it in front of people of any race,

 We aren't going to discuss it.

  (A group session in which  one of the boys I was working with looked around and said "Oh good, everyone here is white.." and then began to talk)

7. It's not really my place to say whether or not you should sleep with him.

You've got to make that decision.

6. I think it's important for you to see my Prom pictures.

 It's part of this journey.

(the above is not my real Prom picture.
 You will never see it!)

5. I don't think your hair color really impacts your mental health.

Unless you're unhappy with it, of course.

4. I mean, yes, I think I've seen a ghost a few times, but you have to decide for yourself if your house is haunted.

3. If Madonna makes you angry, it's probably time to take a break.

What else have you got in your itunes?

2. I always support a decision to recommit to celibacy.

1. If she was trying to poison you, she probably wouldn't have eaten the spaghetti too.

 Just wait to eat until she takes a bite.

So, yeah. I'm legit.

 Look for next week's edition entitled

"What not to say to your clients"

Lori Ann

 Your Daily Sugar

If words could make wishes come true

Today was filled with my three favorite things:
(well when tequila, strippers, and taunting the cops aren't readily available)

 Experimental vegetarian cooking

 Beautiful  PA countryside,

And time with my Sugar shaker!!

I've come to accept that I will not be able to stop myself from posting at least one picture of the Sugar cookie every post.

I was looking for Brandywine Creek State Park
(which is 3 miles from my apartment) 

But got lost and drove through about 20 miles of stunning PA/DE countryside.

Rolling hills, covered bridges, narrow, winding roads, old stone walls and houses that are older than our country.

It honestly takes my breath away. 

There is no place more beautiful in all the world to me.

I was driving, taking a picture and making a wish all at the same time.

This picture doesn't even do it a little justice.

 It.Was.Stunning.

Anyway, I wrote a post about my experimental black bean and artichoke burritos here.

 Look it up if you are feeling adventurous. 

I will begin my highly anticipated series  tomorrow.

Brace yourselves!! 

Lori Ann