We went away that day

The Mission Journal.
I am going to have to burn this thing before my political career 

Oh my gosh

So, my former mission companion, Sister Tyler (whose actual name is Shannon Brewer but I acknowledge neither first names, nor married names!) told me that she had read her mission journal and so, of course, in true lemming fashion, that inspired me to read mine. 

I've been dragging that thing around with me for the last 10 years or so and, beyond a brief glance here and there, never read it at all. 

HOLY. HANNAH.

It is the craziest thing I have ever read. 

Actual excerpt from this crazy beast of a journal

I am about 9 months into my mission journal (which means there is still half the mission to go) and I can't stop laughing, shrieking, and shaking my head in disgust. 

Some of the central themes that have emerged so far:

Weight loss

Every single page is filled with my various weight loss schemes.

 Everything from the cabbage soup diet to "I'm just going to stop eating".

 Yikes.

 Some things never change, it seems. 

Countdowns to the end

 Apparently my entire mission was a slowly ticking clock.

 And I record the agonizing progress on every page. "Only 477 more days to go" or "I have exactly 42 Sundays left in the mission". 

I wish I had had the AA big book back then and learned "one day at a time". 

Craziness

Ranting about my companions

 Good heavens. 

I was angry.

 And COMPLETELY unbalanced.

 I make a lot of dramatic, offended references to "My companions think I am the problem". 

 Oh...I was the problem.

 I was completely nuts. 

At some point, I call each and every one of my companions "EVIL" - in capital letters. 

The pictures (which I stole from a former companion) have all of companions but one. They are- in order: Winsor, Monterroso, Tyler, Hendricks, Badger, Dalley, and Mietzner
(my least favorite companion is the one that is not in these pictures- she really WAS evil)

Vague references to the actual mission work

Oh..the evil one is featured in these pictures. As well as my ill advised perm. 

This thing reads like the diary of a 13 year old serial killer that is being made to share religious thoughts and bake cookies for the Hispanic people of Illinois against her will. 

In a skirt. 

Here are the best quotes so far...

"If she snuffles one more time, I am going to scream!"

"I can just see her 20 years from now, married, with 3 kids, still belching and with an even bigger mustache than she has now"

"My trainer is a Nazi whose only joy in life apparently is telling me what to do"

"Today was a long day and she wouldn't let me stop to use the bathroom"

"I feel liberated from the beast and sorry for her trainer"

"She was mad at me because I wouldn't talk to the doctor about the rectal infection she has"

"Little kids were making fun of my Spanish today" 

(I say this a lot. Apparently my Spanish was REALLY bad for REALLY long time) 

"DING-DONG the witch is gone! I feel liberated from her tyranny" 

And my favorite...

"Today I woke up angry"

I think I wrote that like 100 times.

Anyway, I know this really won't make sense to anyone or be funny, except to people who were there. 

But it's been really interesting and eye opening to go back through my mission and see the world from the perspective of 21 year old Lori. 

In closing, if I could go back I would do it again... just with a heavy xanax prescription and a warning letter I handed to every new companion alerting them to my complete mental instability :) 

Lori Ann

(The legit craziest sister from the infamous Chicago, Ill mission!)